The Emperor and Black Eyed Susan

From the Robin Wood Tarot

Hope that one day – some undefined day yet to come – Jason would come over and have some kind of closer relationship with me, that was enough. Or so I thought.

And then he did the one thing I never dared to dream he’d do. The thing that, by its sheer impossibility, kept those tears coming over all this time.

He asked me to marry him.

Not only that, but it means everything to him that my heart tells me it should.

The man who has spent his life preferring to be alone, with no claim upon his heart, now talks easily of being my protector and provider. He speaks of my daughters without hesitation as an integral part of ‘our family.’

He took a long time to make the decision but, once made, is just as steadfast on his new path as he ever was on his old.

And all the while I know that he is giving up all that’s secure and familiar to make a life with me. A girl doesn’t get to feel this special too often in her life.

The Emperor sits on his throne, the symbol of masculine power and protection used in service to his people, but his kingdom is barren and empty without his lady.

I would have been wooed enough by his willingness to come to the other side of the world for me, but an Empress I’m to be and as an Empress I am wooed. He is coming next month to put a ring on my finger.

Was ever lady loved so well?

Black Eyed Susan is for inner peace, patience and slowing down, a timely reminder in a hectic week filled with such excitement. Naturally it led to the inevitable flare-up of my ankylosing spondylitis.

But by Saturday night I was sitting under the stars with a glass of wine and basking in a golden glow of pure happiness.

The Lord of my Heart is on his way and I have no more need to fear.

Ace of Swords and Jacaranda

From the Robin Wood Tarot

What a momentous, marvellous dream-come-true of a week.

Although it did not start that way, so let me tell it in order.

The sense of struggle and imbalance continued and reached its climax with another conversation with Jason that left me feeling bereft and isolated.

In the first weeks after his return to England we talked often and openly and honestly about our feelings. But you can’t do that endlessly without resolution.

The situation was unchanged. Two long-standing friends separated by thousands of miles, not to mention profoundly differing ideas on what we want from life, who stupidly fell in love.

Lately when we’ve spoken we’ve skirted around the feelings part, neither of us wishing to pick over that particular scab, but it looms so large it had turned into a barrier between us.

He’d ask me how I’d been and I’d say fine, when I was aching with loneliness. Back to the same-old, same-old. Our conversations went from deep sharing to shallow banalities, punctuated by awkward silence on both sides.

I kept getting the feeling he wanted to say something, but didn’t know how. Or perhaps that was just me feeling that way. I could no longer tell.

No wonder then, at the reversed Ace of Swords to mirror all this miscommunication and confusion.

Finally, it seemed to me the only possible answer was to call it a day and I sent him an email saying basically if it was a choice of mates or nothing I’d prefer the nothing.

Jacaranda is for clear-mindedness and decisiveness – an antidote for the state of the reversed Ace of Swords, but it is also the tree Jason fell in love with the first time he came over, so it’s always in my heart linked to him.

How sad then, how heart breaking, to see my cards on their shelf and realise how closely they matched the dreadful circumstances.

And then… and then, he emailed and then he called and gave me the one thing I lacked, the one thing the human heart cannot thrive without. He gave me hope.

I don’t know how long it will take or how exactly it will be achieved, but I do know that the man who always said he wanted to spend his life alone has changed his mind.

He wants to be with me, and that is enough – more than enough. The rest is detail. And he’s looking into the options and coming back to me. We will be together.

Reading Philip and Stephanie Carr-Gomm, who developed the Druidcraft Tarot, I see this morning they have this to say about the reversed Ace of Swords:

“Too much separation (of polarities) creates imbalance and the Sword of the Mind separated from the Chalice of the Heart for too long can cause suffering.

You may have cut yourself off from someone or something with insufficient attention to your emotions, or you may feel cut off in this way by someone else.”

Bingo.

But my solution was to walk away. Thank all that’s holy that Jason’s was to run after me, run after me and give me his heart.

Yippee!

Queen of Wands and Sydney Rose

For a few weeks now I have been a reversed Queen of Wands, struggling to recover that sense of balance I enjoyed for such a short time after Jason’s visit.

There are several reasons for the tip into the negative and all come under the heading of lack.

From the Robin Wood Tarot

Not least among them, Kate is going back to England soon to visit her dad. And it will be the first time she’s travelled alone.

Intellectually, I know that both she and I will be fine. I can even acknowledge that we will probably both ultimately enjoy the break from each other’s company.

But it’s hard not to focus on the sense of loss and stack it up next to the ongoing lack of Jason, and then to notice more and more little of pebbles of want lying in my path and then to stack them one by one on top of these two big rocks of sadness.

The Sydney Rose essence has been described by Ian White as the crowning glory of the Bush Flowers. Its serene message is the realisation that there is no separation between us, that we are all one.

Intellectually, this Queen knows this to be true. But in my reversed state of imbalance I suffer the melancholy and sense of isolation that must inevitably precede the full realisation of that crowning glory.

I am only human, with a yearning human heart.

I pray for strength to accept these physical separations which are my lot and the wisdom to put them in perspective.

The High Priestess and Billy Goat Plum

From the Robin Wood Tarot

The female mysteries have ever been fascinating and frightening, to both men and women. While the male principle seems obvious and easy to understand, the feminine is veiled.But the High Priestess and Billy Goat Plum together show us the way to accessing the divine feminine, which of course resides within us all, both men and women.

Be still.

The mind and its constant running commentary on all our actions and emotions is an unruly and usually critical master.

Still the mind and let the High Priestess guide you to the sacred within.

Billy Goat Plum addresses shame, particularly sexual shame, and shame arises within the mind.

This lesson applies to all aspects of our lives but is easily and plainly demonstrated in the sexual arena.

In our most intimate moments with the ones we love, too often we can find ourselves sitting apart, anxiously observing how we look, what effect we are creating, or else we are far away in a fantasy we have no intention of sharing.

The High Priestess challenges us to be still, to know ourselves and to honour the sacred within. Only then can we find the courage to be truly intimate.

Still the mind, soothe its chatter. The High Priestess holds the crystal of intuition and the book of intellect. Both must be honoured if balance is to be achieved.

Blessed be.

6 Wands and Wisteria

From the Druidcraft Tarot

When I can see no obvious connection between the week’s cards I feel uncertain and uncomfortable, as if I must be missing something.

Isn’t it interesting how my mind is so determined to find links and meanings in two random choices that I’ve become so easily convinced they exist.

I drew the 6 Wands in its reversed aspect in a week which has been dominated by difficulties with my new assistant at work. He is much older than I am and we’re not settling in well together.

The reversed 6 Wands can indeed indicate conflict at work as well as a reluctance or dificulty in taking on a leadership role.

Wisteria, on the other hand, is an essence for female sexuality. Yah, I know! But none of those connections there, I hastily assure you.

When the obvious doesn’t do it, go deeper, I always say.

If we think of the interplay between male and female as it exists beyond the physical plane we can see it expressed in gender roles and that includes in the workplace.

So, I’m the office manager and he’s my assistant. The only other person in our workplace is the boss, who isn’t often on the premises which leaves us mostly on our own.

Sounds almost like a couple relationship, doesn’t it. And some of the difficulties are pretty much the same.

I’m sure they’re compounded because, as an older man, he’s probably finding it difficult to cede the leadership role to me.

If this isn’t a pretty primal struggle for balance between male and female gendered roles, I don’t know what is.

I also don’t quite know how to deal with it, but a bit of Wisterian self assurance on my part would no doubt help.

The Star and Red Grevillea

From the Robin Wood Tarot

The other night, in my new spirit of emotional honesty, I told Jason that I feel lonely and miserable without him and he said he felt the same.Well no, I said, again in the spirit of honesty. It is not at all the same.

Jason has always been content to be alone. In all the years I’ve known him he has been happiest when he isn’t sharing his life with someone.

Whereas I have always been clear that I want someone with whom to share my life. I do not want to walk alone, although I hope that never drives me into a relationship for its own sake.

And then… and then he said something which he has never said before. He said he was thinking about the future and where he wants to spend it. Yes, an option he’s considering is here with me.

This is big. I may be not in despair and I might not be afraid but I am lonely.

So when he said he was thinking of doing the one thing that would fulfil my heart’s desire, I am proud to say that I responded, not as a needy lover, but as an honest, dispassionate friend.

To leave behind family and friends, everything he knows, there’s a pain in that as I know all too well. I would not think less of him for finding it a pain too great.

As Jason weighs up his options and wrestles with the biggest decision of his life, he does not need me weeping down the phone. And I do not need to be soaring around on the wings of false hope.

So why the Star, the card of hope and bright prospects just when I must be on my guard against it?

Numerologically, the Star (17) is linked to Strength (8). Perhaps that’s why its message to me this week seems to be:

What will be, will be. However things may appear, the only challenge is ever to live this moment well, because the future is unknowable. Where there is life, and the beautiful Star, there is always hope.

Red Grevillea offers the strength to leave stuck situations and is a perfect companion. Because we are stuck, Jason and I. One of us must move or this sweetest of romances will wither into something bitter in the end.

And, as Jason contemplates his move I note an interesting aspect of Red Grevillea’s energy.

Ian White says that if you give someone else Red Grevillea to help them out of their situation, don’t be too attached to your expectations of how they will respond.

So that is my very clear lesson this week. I must be strong and compassionate, trusting that whatever Jason decides to do it will be in his best interest and in mine.

And if it is to stay in England, which it very well may be, then so be it. We must press on through the loneliness, confident in the knowledge that we’re living the moment well, with honesty and love.

The Star this time is not for me to follow, but to emulate.

Wheel of Fortune and Grey Spider Flower

From the Robin Wood Tarot

And here, as if to crown the lesson, is the upright Wheel of Fortune, ruler of the 10s, and herald of the beginning of an exciting new cycle.

Grey Spider Flower releases deep fears and terror, promoting instead calm, courage and faith.

This week, as I planted my new herb garden, I reflected on what abundance I have been blessed with after turning up, a refugee with a passport, with nothing but a pebble in my pocket to keep me in sight of home.

I have no need to fear.