From the Robin Wood deck

Yesterday John offered to lend me the money to go to England with Kate at the end of the year.

That stirred up a lot of turmoil for me and maybe that’s why today has been a complete zero.

The 2 Wands in its negative aspect is probably what today was all about – turmoil and worry in a situation that is beyond my influence.

The thought of my little girl getting on that plane all alone terrifies me, more than it should. She’s 12, not two and my fear of putting her on that plane is more about how alone I’ll be while she’s away – alone for my birthday and for Christmas. I’m also sick at the thought of how alone she may be, a guest in her father’s house. How will she fit in to the new family, and who will be there if she just doesn’t fit in at all?

Well I know Anne will be there – and I also know how she didn’t ‘fit’ and how little support she got from John. My daughters have a lot of work to do on their relationship with their father. It’s the reluctance – or inability – of the three of them to get on with it that breaks my heart for them. Perhaps this trip will be what they need.

But I can’t overcome the gut wrenching pain every time I think of it. And now, unexpectedly, an offer that would allow me to at least be in the same country, just a phone call and a train ride away… why shouldn’t I take it? Except that every bone in my body screams at the absurdity of that man suddenly offering money for such a purpose when he’s been unable to assist with school shoes and things like Anne’s formal for all this time. So add anger to the pain. Anger and resentment and loathing – yes, loathing, at the thought of accepting anything from him. It would let him off the hook, it would allow him to say that he’d been generous, more than generous, when the truth is he has been anything but.

There’s a lot to deal with here. So I will look to the 2 Wands to see what guidance it can give.  

Positively, this is my Taoist card – ‘wu wei’ or the paradox of change in another guise.

The 2 Wands is a good lesson for today. In awareness, create a receptive, still environment and then actively do nothing. Only then will you achieve the desired outcome.

It is also the moment before the first step, the focus, the deep breath.

I need to strip away the emotional baggage I’m bringing to this issue and think about what’s important here. As always, what’s important is my daughter and her well being, what’s best for her.

This card is a perfect depiction of my circumstance – a trip in the offing, but not yet accepted and nor shall it be – not yet. I am not yet ready for that decision.