The 4 Cups is another of those which has its ‘positive’ aspect in its reversed state, and that is how it was drawn today.

If it’s the weekend, I must be at the archery club, and so I was – where I was teased by all the boys about Jason’s intentions for his impending visit in October.

It doesn’t matter how often I tell them that Jason is a long-standing friend, from when Anne was about four, and that there’s absolutely nothing between us. I’ve moved to a place he’s never been to but always wanted to visit, and now he has somewhere to stay when he comes. But they won’t believe me and I know they’d all love to see me find someone, and it’s sweet that they take such a good-natured interest. They are my band of brothers.

What strikes me now about the conversation is how comfortable I was – with the teasing and also with the niggling little idea that maybe they’re right… maybe  my friendship with Jason is heading for a big change.  The first time I had that thought it was almost nauseating. I think now it was because all the time I’d known him I’d been married to John and thinking about it, I don’t remember feeling attracted to anyone else in all that time.

I know enough now to spot a defence mechanism when I see one. Of course I found men attractive, I must have. But the urge to be a faithful wife forced me to suppress any feelings of attraction that I had and divert them to my husband. All very noble, and no more or less I suppose than what I signed up for. But the thing about defence mechanisms is knowing when to let them go.

So I tried to think about Jason objectively – why should I feel that way? He’s one of my dearest and longest-standing friends who has stood shoulder to shoulder with me through my darkest times, never demanding a thing, never pressing an advantage. And he’s probably the best looking man I’ve ever met. Hmmmm.

Needless to say, the nausea has diminished greatly over time. I am now looking forward to his visit in a way I did not expect.

Whatever should happen, I realise that once again I am comfortable in the company of men. I am comfortable to have men as my friends and I am also able to contemplate, in that delightful sweet-love-stirring way, the possibilities of beginning a romance.

More proof that my dark days are behind me and ever receding.

So I will take the ‘positive’ outcome of both the 4 Cups and Grey Spider Flower: an end to introspection and an end to rejection of the world’s gifts. Instead I accept the faith, calm and courage with which I now walk.

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