From the Mythic Tarot

So today I came to a momentous decision. It seems obvious, but even so, it’s taken a long time to get here.

I’ve been sitting at this crossroads a long time now and I really must stop dithering around, pick a direction – any direction – AND GET MOVING!!!!!!

So I did. I fired off some job applications, got my first ‘thanks, but no thanks’ email of the process. That knocked my fragile confidence more than it should have, but didn’t knock my determination.

It is definitely time to stop messing around and start providing for myself and Kate. It’s the best thing I can do for Anne too – the reason I’m sitting here worrying about her is because I don’t have the money for a plane fare stashed away for times like this.

I need money. I need security. And I need these things now. So what’s been stopping me? There is some answer in today’s cards.

The Page of Wands, when Reversed as it was today, can indicate confusion, indecisiveness and communication difficulties – and Bush Fuchsia addresses those very issues.

Bush Fuchsia helps us to cut through that confusion and view all sides to a problem rationally and clearly. It also helps to give courage and clarity, which is nice because I felt today that I got some.

The other day, when I was digging a hole in the garden for the late lamented guinea pig, I was angry all over again at John for walking out of our marriage and leaving me to cope with things like burying dead pets.

Every time that spade hit the dirt it had the full force of my frustration and anger behind it. “This is your job. This is not my job. Not my job to bury the pets and support our children and keep a roof over our heads and it’s just not my job. If you hadn’t done what you did, I wouldn’t have to be doing your damn job.” And a lot more of the same. Turned into a big hole for a small pet.

It’s taken me a few days to realise it, but I think one reason I’ve been so hesitant about taking my next steps on my own has been a feeling that to do well, to succeed, to be happy in some way diminishes his crime.

As long as I’m a part-time cleaner and a single mum, scraping and only just surviving, I’m a reminder of how low he laid me.

Well, horse doodoo to that. I must pull myself out of this mire and get on with my life, for my sake and the sake of my daughters.

I can’t waste any more of my time feeling angry and sorry for myself and also, frankly, scared to stand on my own two feet just in case I fall. Well, no matter how scary it is, I need to get a real job and I need to do it NOW.