From the Druidcraft Tarot

How appropriate. June weighs heavy on me and it’s a weight of Death. Eight years ago in June I lost my sister Maryanne. Five years ago in June I lost my marriage. I fear June.

This one is filled with endings past and endings yet to come, as my father’s health continues its downward slide and my declared deadline to get over Jason approaches. I decided this week to go with my first instinct of July rather than Simon’s suggested deadline of October. That’s because since John left me I’ve given myself six months to mull over every big decision and it’s worked well.

I waited until six months after John left before deciding my next move. When one of my options loomed as leaving England and moving to the other side of the world, I gave myself six months to think about it. Once decided, it was another six months before we got on that plane. It’s a timeframe which seems to suit me, since I was left so shattered I haven’t trusted myself with snap decisions.

Today I took the time to give some serious thought to all these endings and their meanings. The result was interesting and does not, I know, herald an end to tears. But I think I have a new insight into grief which may help me to cope better.

It seems to me that underneath the pain and hurt of my losses lies another, older pain – the pain of not having anyone to take care of me. I may carry it because of my personal emotional history or perhaps it’s an existential pain of leaving childhood that we all must come to terms with.

Either way, it seems a mark of adulthood to accept that pain and move on, by recognising that it’s no longer appropriate to expect anyone else to be standing by to catch my tears.

I don’t need looking after. I’m not a lost lamb. And tears won’t kill me. When Maryanne died, I still had John. When John left me, I still had my dad. The day’s coming when he’ll be gone too and if anything really scares me it’s the thought of signing up with some bloke simply as a fill-in because I think I need someone to hold my hand.

And then, I laugh. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Why? Because the one bloke who definitely isn’t a fill-in, the one whose hand I’d hold, is 10,000 miles away and staying there.

But I am happier to miss his presence than mourn his absence because of some deep unfulfilled need to have someone to take care of me.

Once again, the daily cards offer an appropriate essence in Tall Yellowtop, which addresses feelings of isolation and not belonging – which today calls to mind a lonely child crying in the dark, knowing that no one will come.

Why wouldn’t you cry? It’s a sad thing. But when the crying’s done, you have to get up and carry on.

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