From the Robin Wood Tarot

Just before I drew these cards John telephoned to say he’s in a debt recovery program and that he had also had another epilepsy episode, this time at the top of a flight of stairs.

In the first instance therefore, both of these cards relate to my sorry ex, who struggles on in his unhappy relationship with the woman he left me for, all because he’s frightened of being alone.

The reversed Tower is for his refusal to voluntarily accept his lesson and Spinifex for the manifestation of that refusal as a physical illness that provides a brief escape from his situation.

But they were also for me. His phone call got me thinking about his inherent dishonesty – which I now see extends even unto his own self.

It was one of the first things I learned about him, that he was a liar, and I thought knowing it would keep me safe from being hurt by it.

I thought of all those years I lived with his dishonesty, loved it, allowed it to paw me in the night. And the thought made me shudder at how I had allowed myself to be defiled.

Such big thoughts are a sure sign that a learning is in progress, so I spent the week considering defilement, what it means to me and how it impacts on my sexuality.

At some level, do I really feel that my sexual relationship with my ex-husband was a defilement, skewed in favour of the profane with the sacred forgotten and ignored?

“Defiled” is such a biblical word.

It’s a word which travels up from the subconscious and Spinifex, while useful in identifying the emotional underpinning of any physical complaint, is particularly prescribed for conditions arising from sexual shame.

I have travelled many emotions since my Tower moment. I have sat in the rubble of my marriage and counted the stark lies which brought it down and experienced everything from rage to despair.

But I have never felt shame before.

Why did I marry a liar? Why did I think our love was worth more than my integrity?

Why did I forgive him, again and again, for every little lie?

For both John and me, this reversed Tower signifies an after-shock of insight. We each need to rebuild from the ground up.

My own feeling is that honesty to one own’s self is the only solid foundation. That’s why John suffers on and I do not.

I went to the pool and washed away the dishonesty of 20 years with John.

And then I forgave myself for placing my younger, more innocent self in the hands of a dishonest man.

My debt for the error paid.

Paid in full.