From the Rider-Waite deck

A warm welcome to Spring. Once again, I wonder what comes first, the change in mood or the positive card? And also, how much of a role does the weather play in my outlook?

For Spring is here, both outside and in and I feel reawakened and renewed.

More, I felt this week that my mourning period had reached some kind of conclusion and I understood at last the process in which I have been engaged.

The World is the card of completion, integration and of new beginnings. Its companion Boronia releases obsessive thoughts and aids creative visualisation. It was the first essence I was drawn to and I made a point of taking some at the start of the week, which no doubt played its part also.

Here is what I realised, as I looked at the trees from my window on the bus to work: Why, I’m just like a tree. Wound a tree and it will grow a bolus, a hard knobbly scar – but those scars add to its beauty and, above them, new life grows.

And I realised that by living with my grief over Jason, by staying with it as long as need be, I had finally absorbed the entire experience – the joy and the sorrow – so that I will never lose either.

I can now put it aside in a golden box, with the key kept safe against my heart.

When my sister Maryanne died I lost her in more than the physical sense. I have so few memories of her because I shut out as much of the grief as I could and shut her out in the process.

I know I can get her back – that she’s in here still, waiting to be rediscovered becauase I’ve now learned what grieving is.

And of course there’s another loss that I’ve been mourning. This week also marked a year since Dad died and if I speak of him less, it’s not because he’s less to me.

In the midst of all this being a tree hippie stuff, I have felt a surge of my power returned. Yesterday I headed out the door and what do you know, everything that could go wrong did.

But I had a great day. Every delay, every diversion immediately presented an unexpected but positive outcome which I was able to recognise and embrace.

So I congratulate myself, not for coming out of a dark spot, for life is not quite that tidy. No, I congratulate myself for finally accepting the shadows with the sunlight and learning how to live with both.