From the Robin Wood Tarot

My wise companions, Dagger Hakea and the reversed 9 Cups, say the answer is to turn inwards for a moment.

The 9 Cups is a difficult one to get a handle on and perhaps it’s that my deck doesn’t depict it very well for me. The Robin Wood Tarot shows a jolly looking overweight man surrounded by cups.

Dagger Hakea is for bitterness and resentments in close relationships. These are often unexpressed which is why family disputes are the most difficult to resolve.

The Nines are ruled by the Hermit and the Cups cover the emotional component of his journey, so perhaps the man on the card is filling an emotional hole with the pleasures of the Cups.

There is an ambivalent feeling to this card – it’s about entertaining, enjoyment and celebration and yet, and yet… At the same time, all the commentaries speak of something missing from the celebration and warn against over-indulgence.

Reversed, the 9 Cups suggests that something which has been hidden or suppressed may be revealed.

With that in mind I took some Dagger Hakea and asked my sub-conscious to present me with someone I hold resentment against.

I have consequently spent the week dealing with feelings, long suppressed, surrounding the various times my father let me down.

I finally know, after all these years, how the little girl I was felt when my dad said he’d give me up because his girlfriend didn’t like me, when he forgot my birthday, hadn’t noticed I was left-handed, and so many other carelessly inflicted wounds.

I had always thought it was strange that I seemed to feel no hurt or bitterness over these things. I only realised they were hurtful when I saw how people reacted when I told these stories as if they were funny.

Well, I never told the one about the girlfriend. There was no joking about that one and it has sat a long time on my heart, unexpressed.

It was a great relief to have a good cry.

An important part of the process of releasing that bitterness was also to forgive him and that has been a very beautiful and healing experience.

Going through this process at this time has also had an integral role in my decision over Jason’s visit.

Of course my low expectations of men in later relationships were inevitably formed in that primary one with my dad. Without realising it, I seemed to have married a man with similar tendencies.

Unlike my father and my ex-husband, Jason has never told me one thing and done another, nor has he ever placated me with empty promises or wooed away my hurts and disappointments with his charm.

Jason has always been utterly honest and cautionary about the limits of what he can offer me and I value that about him above all else.

Let him come. Let my dear friend come and enjoy the delights of summer with me, for even a Hermit craves company at times and what better company than a fellow traveller, taking a brief detour from his own lonely road?