Although it did not start that way, so let me tell it in order.
The sense of struggle and imbalance continued and reached its climax with another conversation with Jason that left me feeling bereft and isolated.
In the first weeks after his return to England we talked often and openly and honestly about our feelings. But you can’t do that endlessly without resolution.
The situation was unchanged. Two long-standing friends separated by thousands of miles, not to mention profoundly differing ideas on what we want from life, who stupidly fell in love.
Lately when we’ve spoken we’ve skirted around the feelings part, neither of us wishing to pick over that particular scab, but it looms so large it had turned into a barrier between us.
He’d ask me how I’d been and I’d say fine, when I was aching with loneliness. Back to the same-old, same-old. Our conversations went from deep sharing to shallow banalities, punctuated by awkward silence on both sides.
I kept getting the feeling he wanted to say something, but didn’t know how. Or perhaps that was just me feeling that way. I could no longer tell.
No wonder then, at the reversed Ace of Swords to mirror all this miscommunication and confusion.
Finally, it seemed to me the only possible answer was to call it a day and I sent him an email saying basically if it was a choice of mates or nothing I’d prefer the nothing.
Jacaranda is for clear-mindedness and decisiveness – an antidote for the state of the reversed Ace of Swords, but it is also the tree Jason fell in love with the first time he came over, so it’s always in my heart linked to him.
How sad then, how heart breaking, to see my cards on their shelf and realise how closely they matched the dreadful circumstances.
And then… and then, he emailed and then he called and gave me the one thing I lacked, the one thing the human heart cannot thrive without. He gave me hope.
I don’t know how long it will take or how exactly it will be achieved, but I do know that the man who always said he wanted to spend his life alone has changed his mind.
He wants to be with me, and that is enough – more than enough. The rest is detail. And he’s looking into the options and coming back to me. We will be together.
Reading Philip and Stephanie Carr-Gomm, who developed the Druidcraft Tarot, I see this morning they have this to say about the reversed Ace of Swords:
“Too much separation (of polarities) creates imbalance and the Sword of the Mind separated from the Chalice of the Heart for too long can cause suffering.
You may have cut yourself off from someone or something with insufficient attention to your emotions, or you may feel cut off in this way by someone else.”
But my solution was to walk away. Thank all that’s holy that Jason’s was to run after me, run after me and give me his heart.