Posts from the ‘The Pages’ Category

Page of Pentacles and Dagger Hakea

From the Robin Wood Tarot

From the Robin Wood Tarot

Dagger HakeaThis is the last week before Kate’s trip to England, so the spotlight shifts from the Romantic Fool (me) to my beautiful daughter.

She has had a gruelling week of exams, the realm of the studious Pentacles Page, which I drew in its reversed aspect.

As well as the stress of her studies, I know she has misgivings about the trip and how she will be received in her father’s house. Alas, I fear she has good reason to be concerned.

At least she will have her sister Anne to fall back on if necessary.

Dagger Hakea is the remedy for the bitterness and resentment, usually unspoken, that can build up between loved ones. Its positive outcome is forgiveness and love.

I have long felt that the dreadful inability of John and his daughters to talk to each other about the marriage break-up is a long-running festering sore on their relationship.

It will be painful but I am sure they all need to get on and deal with it.

But I have no role to play in that drama. My job is to sit on the sidelines, ready to offer what comfort I can when it is called for, trusting that my children are capable of managing this one without me.

And if they choose to let it lie another year, then so be it.

Page of Cups and Pink Mulla Mulla

From the Robin Wood Tarot

How am I to respond to a card which may herald the dawn of a loving relationship – and then doesn’t?

That’s to make it sound as if I was expecting it to – that I drew the promise of the Page of Cups and expected its fulfilment upon walking out the door – a chance encounter perhaps, a Mills and Boon meeting of eyes at a bus stop… You can picture the scenarios which sprang unbidden to my mind.

But I didn’t expect anything of the kind, not really. Crazy not stupid, after all.

I have made no secret of my loneliness and yearning for a relationship and of course I thought of romance as I drew the card, but only in a playful passing fancy.

The beginning of the week was dominated not by daydreams of a new romance but by thoughts of an old, long dead one, raised by a phone call with my eldest daughter Anne in faraway England.

She was telling me of the difficulties my ex-husband John is having with his new partner’s 11 year old son.

The boy was never an easy child and now it seems his father is encouraging him to be difficult.

I thought that was a shame, as I always regarded him as a decent man.

And then Anne told me what I didn’t know – as factory manager John had recently made him redundant.

So John has taken this man’s wife and children, his home and now his job too. That would stretch anyone’s sense of decency.

And I cried for my John.

I cried for the good man who did one bad thing and has been sinking further into the crap it generated ever since.

And that’s what the gentle, loving Page of Cups brought me. Not romance but compassion for the poor frightened boy who made a mess and never found the courage to admit it, let alone try and clean it up a bit.

Pink Mulla Mulla is for people who are unable to resolve a deep hurt, wrong or injustice which can make them suspicious of people’s motives, allowing them no rest.

I think again of my sorry ex and all the people touched so cruelly by his one, huge mistake.

What I don’t see anywhere is black-hearted malice, just tragedy on tragedy and misery for the ones who can’t find a way to make some running repairs and move on.

For myself though, this Page does also signify new beginnings and all the hope, optimism and excitement they generate.

I closed the week by saying goodbye to the Minister’s office, fond farewells and good wishes ringing in my ears.

I have the key to my new office and on Monday will begin serving the good people of Outer Smuggington, on behalf of their new MP.

And maybe, just maybe, there will be another new beginning around the corner… but patience, Precious, patience.

All good things in their own time and turn.

Page of Wands and Rough Bluebell

From the Mythic Tarot

It’s been a fraught week.

My youngest sister has battled with bipolar disorder for many years and it was inevitable that our dad’s deteriorating health would be a difficult pressure for her to cope with.

And when she’s not coping, the rest of us cop it.

Rough Bluebell is for deliberately hurtful, spiteful and malicious people.

The Page of Wands brings the gift of new adventures, of increased activity, of news and communication from afar. Reversed, that quickened flow of Energy is blocked, for whatever reason.

It could be external, such as other people’s actions, timing, luck or internal such as a fear of change.

Maybe that fear of change is at the heart of the Rough Bluebell character and that negative, manipulative behaviour is intended to try and keep loved ones from changing and moving away.

Tragically, its consequence – as I can attest – is to encourage loved ones to do exactly that.

Sympathetic, but distant – that’s the position I have always tried to maintain, but this week my sympathy has been stretched to exhaustion. I understand, but right now it helps not at all. 

It started last week when she started phoning me and various other relatives – many times and usually in the wee hours – with the urgent message that since we all shared the same blood as dad we all had to get tested for everything under the sun, from HIV to who knows what else.

Dad wasn’t spared either but he kept his sense of humour. “I told her girls don’t have prostates,” he said. It was distressing for all, but so far pretty standard fare.

Unfortunately, her next act was to get it into her head that Dad had actually died and she phoned several ancient relatives with the news, upsetting them severely, as you can imagine.

So I’ve been fielding condolence calls from all and sundry. As for Dad, he was terribly upset by these premature reports of his demise.

‘Unforgivable’ was the word he used, and I’m with him on that.

Next she smashed her new car into a lampost. Thankfully she wasn’t injured but she is now in hospital where hopefully she is getting some much needed help. She still has her phone and is bombarding Dad with calls.

It’s hideous to hear his helplessness. “She called me because she couldn’t get the lid off her toothpaste. What I am supposed to do?” he asked me. How am I to answer?

It feels like an assault on him, on all of us.

At the same time as she was admitted, her partner had to travel over here because his father is in hospital after a stroke. He needed somewhere to stay for a night so I offered up our sofa bed.

Mistake.

Next thing you know, she’s on the phone to me, accusing me of screwing her boyfriend.

At that point, I just pulled her up and told her to get off the phone.

She did, but she has called again today to say that Dad’s dying wish is that she and I should get on better and I’ll be responsible for his death when it comes because of the way I spoke to her.

My father’s dying. It’s a big thing for all of us. I’m trying really hard to remember that all of this is a reaction to a really stressful time for her too. But the truth is my capacity for sympathetic understanding feels utterly exhausted.

Page of Swords and Gymea Lily

From the Robin Wood Tarot

 After all the clarity of the past few days it was of course inevitable that today I’d be completely and utterly stumped.

Yesterday, when I drew these cards, the best I could manage was that the Page of Swords reversed had lost her way. Instead of fearless honesty and courage, I saw only a quailing coward with no appetite for the challenges of the day ahead. 

And Gymea Lily, well I dunno. It addresses arrogance and excessive pride. It doesn’t seem to go with how I’m feeling or with its Tarot companion.

The best I could manage was yet another bossy reminder that I should have found a job more suited to my talents by now.

Today I left the house without drawing fresh cards but I can’t really see how to apply yesterday’s cards to today’s energies at all.

This is the 28th June, the worst day of the year. This is the day my sister died and the day I cry like a lost child.

Tomorrow will be better.

Page of Wands and Bush Fuchsia

From the Mythic Tarot

So today I came to a momentous decision. It seems obvious, but even so, it’s taken a long time to get here.

I’ve been sitting at this crossroads a long time now and I really must stop dithering around, pick a direction – any direction – AND GET MOVING!!!!!!

So I did. I fired off some job applications, got my first ‘thanks, but no thanks’ email of the process. That knocked my fragile confidence more than it should have, but didn’t knock my determination.

It is definitely time to stop messing around and start providing for myself and Kate. It’s the best thing I can do for Anne too – the reason I’m sitting here worrying about her is because I don’t have the money for a plane fare stashed away for times like this.

I need money. I need security. And I need these things now. So what’s been stopping me? There is some answer in today’s cards.

The Page of Wands, when Reversed as it was today, can indicate confusion, indecisiveness and communication difficulties – and Bush Fuchsia addresses those very issues.

Bush Fuchsia helps us to cut through that confusion and view all sides to a problem rationally and clearly. It also helps to give courage and clarity, which is nice because I felt today that I got some.

The other day, when I was digging a hole in the garden for the late lamented guinea pig, I was angry all over again at John for walking out of our marriage and leaving me to cope with things like burying dead pets.

Every time that spade hit the dirt it had the full force of my frustration and anger behind it. “This is your job. This is not my job. Not my job to bury the pets and support our children and keep a roof over our heads and it’s just not my job. If you hadn’t done what you did, I wouldn’t have to be doing your damn job.” And a lot more of the same. Turned into a big hole for a small pet.

It’s taken me a few days to realise it, but I think one reason I’ve been so hesitant about taking my next steps on my own has been a feeling that to do well, to succeed, to be happy in some way diminishes his crime.

As long as I’m a part-time cleaner and a single mum, scraping and only just surviving, I’m a reminder of how low he laid me.

Well, horse doodoo to that. I must pull myself out of this mire and get on with my life, for my sake and the sake of my daughters.

I can’t waste any more of my time feeling angry and sorry for myself and also, frankly, scared to stand on my own two feet just in case I fall. Well, no matter how scary it is, I need to get a real job and I need to do it NOW.

Page of Cups and Sundew

From the Robin Wood Tarot

Today’s cards are for my poor Anne.

Tonight I had a more reassuring talk with her dad. He sounds like he’s being a bit more useful to her than frankly I expected him to be and I hope it means she’s getting the support she so desperately needs.

It was a small reassurance, but the only one I have.

Sundew is the daydreamer’s essence and helps to keep us grounded and focused in the here and now.

While my thoughts fly restlessly to my eldest daughter, big things happen in the right here, right now, to keep my attention away from where it helplessly wanders.

Today the guinea pig was killed by the dog next door. It was horrible. Both guinea pigs escaped when Kate was cleaning their hutch. Milly ran straight through a gap in the fence and into the jaws of death.

Kate and I had to concentrate on getting Matilda safely back in the hutch while the wretched dog trotted back and forth behind the fence with Milly’s limp body swinging in its jaws.

We needed all our focus to get that job done and then I had to go next door – the neighbours were out alas – and get the dead guinea pig off the strange dog and then bury it in the garden.

No time for daydreaming. No time for anything but the grubby, painful here and now.

But still I’m thinking of you Anne. I’d join you in those dark shadows if I could and hold you, hold you so close and together we’d chase those clouds away.

And what’s that thought, if not a foolish daydream?

Page of Pentacles and Tall Yellow Top

From the Robin Wood Tarot

After that miserable Friday night, Saturday threatened to hold more of the same and both these cards seemed to confirm that.

So what did happen?

Well in spite of myself I had an excellent and productive day. Hardly the territory of the Page of Pentacles reversed… or is it?

This was the day Michelle turned up annanounced and treated Kate and I to a lovely evening at the Medieval Fair that was going on in the park.

And, in talking to her about my terrible mood of the evening before, I realised something I had somehow earlier missed.

There I had sat, feeling lonely and isolated (Tall Yellow Top territory) and yet… the phone kept ringing.

First it was the mum of one of Kate’s friends – and I could have talked to her. One of my cleaning clients phoned and let me know she was feeling crappy, so I could have talked to her. And Michelle herself phoned, but by that stage I was set on my downward path and would not be turned.

In other words, practical support was there, but I was so determined to feel sorry for myself I didn’t even see it.

The Page offers a gift. Reversed – sometimes – she signifies our refusal or inability to simply accept it.

With the help of Tall Yellow Top, I finally saw the grace of that hand outstretched and found some comfort there.