Posts tagged ‘Dagger Hakea’

Page of Pentacles and Dagger Hakea

From the Robin Wood Tarot

From the Robin Wood Tarot

Dagger HakeaThis is the last week before Kate’s trip to England, so the spotlight shifts from the Romantic Fool (me) to my beautiful daughter.

She has had a gruelling week of exams, the realm of the studious Pentacles Page, which I drew in its reversed aspect.

As well as the stress of her studies, I know she has misgivings about the trip and how she will be received in her father’s house. Alas, I fear she has good reason to be concerned.

At least she will have her sister Anne to fall back on if necessary.

Dagger Hakea is the remedy for the bitterness and resentment, usually unspoken, that can build up between loved ones. Its positive outcome is forgiveness and love.

I have long felt that the dreadful inability of John and his daughters to talk to each other about the marriage break-up is a long-running festering sore on their relationship.

It will be painful but I am sure they all need to get on and deal with it.

But I have no role to play in that drama. My job is to sit on the sidelines, ready to offer what comfort I can when it is called for, trusting that my children are capable of managing this one without me.

And if they choose to let it lie another year, then so be it.

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9 Cups and Dagger Hakea

From the Robin Wood Tarot

My wise companions, Dagger Hakea and the reversed 9 Cups, say the answer is to turn inwards for a moment.

The 9 Cups is a difficult one to get a handle on and perhaps it’s that my deck doesn’t depict it very well for me. The Robin Wood Tarot shows a jolly looking overweight man surrounded by cups.

Dagger Hakea is for bitterness and resentments in close relationships. These are often unexpressed which is why family disputes are the most difficult to resolve.

The Nines are ruled by the Hermit and the Cups cover the emotional component of his journey, so perhaps the man on the card is filling an emotional hole with the pleasures of the Cups.

There is an ambivalent feeling to this card – it’s about entertaining, enjoyment and celebration and yet, and yet… At the same time, all the commentaries speak of something missing from the celebration and warn against over-indulgence.

Reversed, the 9 Cups suggests that something which has been hidden or suppressed may be revealed.

With that in mind I took some Dagger Hakea and asked my sub-conscious to present me with someone I hold resentment against.

I have consequently spent the week dealing with feelings, long suppressed, surrounding the various times my father let me down.

I finally know, after all these years, how the little girl I was felt when my dad said he’d give me up because his girlfriend didn’t like me, when he forgot my birthday, hadn’t noticed I was left-handed, and so many other carelessly inflicted wounds.

I had always thought it was strange that I seemed to feel no hurt or bitterness over these things. I only realised they were hurtful when I saw how people reacted when I told these stories as if they were funny.

Well, I never told the one about the girlfriend. There was no joking about that one and it has sat a long time on my heart, unexpressed.

It was a great relief to have a good cry.

An important part of the process of releasing that bitterness was also to forgive him and that has been a very beautiful and healing experience.

Going through this process at this time has also had an integral role in my decision over Jason’s visit.

Of course my low expectations of men in later relationships were inevitably formed in that primary one with my dad. Without realising it, I seemed to have married a man with similar tendencies.

Unlike my father and my ex-husband, Jason has never told me one thing and done another, nor has he ever placated me with empty promises or wooed away my hurts and disappointments with his charm.

Jason has always been utterly honest and cautionary about the limits of what he can offer me and I value that about him above all else.

Let him come. Let my dear friend come and enjoy the delights of summer with me, for even a Hermit craves company at times and what better company than a fellow traveller, taking a brief detour from his own lonely road?

The Hermit and Dagger Hakea

From the Peanuts Tarot

Since my last entry I’ve been feeling pretty crappy – vaguely unwell, sluggish, heavy and tired.

And I started the day pretty tearfully as well – over a rather innocuous remark from my friend Michelle last night, which certainly wasn’t meant to cause offence.

And even though I knew that, I stewed on it all night long.

And even though I knew full well there was no need for tears, I cried, for everything I lost when I left England. Security, a home I loved, the familiar, the known. But mostly the career. I had focus, ambition, respect, all that good stuff which I haven’t tasted for more than three years.

I want to feel like I used to – full of energy and with time to spare for everything I want to do. I’m so tired of feeling so tired.

And then I drew my cards for today – the Hermit, to remind me unequivocally that the element missing from my life at the moment – the element that was so important in those days I miss so much, is of course my regular meditation practice.

And Dagger Hakea – for the release of resentment against loved ones, as a warning not to let my oversensitive reaction to a well-meant remark fester into a sore on my friendship with Michelle.

A final point – I checked my diary and my period is indeed late. It’s 40 days since my last. No wonder I’m feeling crap.

I think my fears will indeed be realised –my hormone imbalance from the Pill is going to segue seamlessly into the menopause. I may never feel ‘normal’ again.

Lucky old me.

The World and Dagger Hakea

From the Bohemian Gothic Tarot

Today’s cards are a comfort in the midst of turmoil and convince me more than ever that this exercise is beneficial in ways I did not expect.

I began this journal as a learning aid, to help me explore and make sense of the meanings associated with both the Tarot and the Bush Flower Essences. I didn’t expect any greater benefit than an increase in my knowledge. But I find an added and unlooked for bonus in the conversation it sometimes appears I am having with each day’s random cards.

As my father in far-off California once again battles the prostate cancer which I fear will ultimately kill him, my thoughts have turned inevitably from grief to anger to bitterness and betrayal and all the way back again. And I’m conscious that his thoughts too must turn in the same tumultuous directions. And it breaks my heart to be so far away from him and so unable to offer comfort.

The conversations we have are of simple things. I tell him of his grandchildren and he talks about football and his garden. He worries that I’m not getting on with my life and I worry that he’s not telling me the whole truth about his state of health.

And it’s all so desperately inadequate – which makes me angry and bitter and frustrated all over again.

 So today brings The World and Dagger Hakea and a message of acceptance.

The World is about completion and fulfilment and tells me that for all the inadequacies in our relationship, and the fractured nature of our family, we have much to be grateful for, Dad and I. There have been great sorrows and times when we had no time for each other but I’m proud of my dad and all he taught me, and even though he worries, I know he’s proud of me.

To focus on all those positive things at this dark time requires a little bit of Dagger Hakea – the essence to help family members and other close loved ones overcome long-standing and often unacknowledged resentments. Forgiveness and love are its positive expressions and those aren’t bad gifts on a dark day.

Knight of Cups and Dagger Hakea

From the Robin Wood deck

What an interesting pair – the epitome of romantic, idealised love, and the remedy for bitterness and resentment – so often the ugly residue left behind when love dies.

These cards say to me that the hurt and bitterness of the end of my marriage had to be released before the Knight of Cups would bring a new love to my door.