Posts tagged ‘divorce and separation’

Page of Pentacles and Dagger Hakea

From the Robin Wood Tarot

From the Robin Wood Tarot

Dagger HakeaThis is the last week before Kate’s trip to England, so the spotlight shifts from the Romantic Fool (me) to my beautiful daughter.

She has had a gruelling week of exams, the realm of the studious Pentacles Page, which I drew in its reversed aspect.

As well as the stress of her studies, I know she has misgivings about the trip and how she will be received in her father’s house. Alas, I fear she has good reason to be concerned.

At least she will have her sister Anne to fall back on if necessary.

Dagger Hakea is the remedy for the bitterness and resentment, usually unspoken, that can build up between loved ones. Its positive outcome is forgiveness and love.

I have long felt that the dreadful inability of John and his daughters to talk to each other about the marriage break-up is a long-running festering sore on their relationship.

It will be painful but I am sure they all need to get on and deal with it.

But I have no role to play in that drama. My job is to sit on the sidelines, ready to offer what comfort I can when it is called for, trusting that my children are capable of managing this one without me.

And if they choose to let it lie another year, then so be it.

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10 Swords and She Oak

From the Hello Kitty Tarot

From the Hello Kitty Tarot

She OakThe 10s are about completion and, at the same time, about creation. They signify the end of one cycle and the beginning of another.

The 10 Swords in particular carries the pain so often associated with endings. In the middle of an ending it can be impossible to imagine, let alone spot through the gloom, the seeds within it of renewal and rebirth.

And yet… there they are, whether we are aware of them or not.

She Oak is the essence of rebirth. On the physical level it helps to remove the barriers to conception, balancing female – and also male – reproductive hormones and creating the optimum conditions to support new life.

Strange that She Oak and the reversed 10 Swords should turn up straight after Jason’s return to England and my new-found courage to face whatever challenges may lie ahead, with or without him.

What seemed at first a complex, almost impenetrable, combination has clarified over the week into a clear and rather beautiful message.

The upright 10 Swords suggests a state of emotional defeat so bleak as to be unbearable. Well, I’ve certainly had my 10 Swords times in this relationship but this isn’t one of them.

Does the reversed 10 Swords signify the finger-twitch of defiance that says “just give me a minute, I’ll be right.” I like to think so.

If so, She Oak points clearly to the promise of new beginnings inherent even in the 10 Swords.

That got me thinking about that awful moment when my ex-husband John left me, probably because I really did feel then that there was no glimmer of hope.

It’s incredible to look back and realise that within that moment lay the seeds of all I have become. And to then acknowledge that there was good in there, although I surely couldn’t see it at the time.

It’s taken years to get to this point and it’s been a hard slog. Never would I have expected to ever write a paragraph like that last one.

The fact that I can tells me no-one will ever bring me that low again. I have seen those tiny seeds of renewal and I have watched them grow into something wonderful.

So, this week’s (shorter) lesson is: Shit is also Fertiliser. Water it in well with a few tears and your garden will bloom again. Or something like that.

Love and Peace.

Page of Cups and Pink Mulla Mulla

From the Robin Wood Tarot

How am I to respond to a card which may herald the dawn of a loving relationship – and then doesn’t?

That’s to make it sound as if I was expecting it to – that I drew the promise of the Page of Cups and expected its fulfilment upon walking out the door – a chance encounter perhaps, a Mills and Boon meeting of eyes at a bus stop… You can picture the scenarios which sprang unbidden to my mind.

But I didn’t expect anything of the kind, not really. Crazy not stupid, after all.

I have made no secret of my loneliness and yearning for a relationship and of course I thought of romance as I drew the card, but only in a playful passing fancy.

The beginning of the week was dominated not by daydreams of a new romance but by thoughts of an old, long dead one, raised by a phone call with my eldest daughter Anne in faraway England.

She was telling me of the difficulties my ex-husband John is having with his new partner’s 11 year old son.

The boy was never an easy child and now it seems his father is encouraging him to be difficult.

I thought that was a shame, as I always regarded him as a decent man.

And then Anne told me what I didn’t know – as factory manager John had recently made him redundant.

So John has taken this man’s wife and children, his home and now his job too. That would stretch anyone’s sense of decency.

And I cried for my John.

I cried for the good man who did one bad thing and has been sinking further into the crap it generated ever since.

And that’s what the gentle, loving Page of Cups brought me. Not romance but compassion for the poor frightened boy who made a mess and never found the courage to admit it, let alone try and clean it up a bit.

Pink Mulla Mulla is for people who are unable to resolve a deep hurt, wrong or injustice which can make them suspicious of people’s motives, allowing them no rest.

I think again of my sorry ex and all the people touched so cruelly by his one, huge mistake.

What I don’t see anywhere is black-hearted malice, just tragedy on tragedy and misery for the ones who can’t find a way to make some running repairs and move on.

For myself though, this Page does also signify new beginnings and all the hope, optimism and excitement they generate.

I closed the week by saying goodbye to the Minister’s office, fond farewells and good wishes ringing in my ears.

I have the key to my new office and on Monday will begin serving the good people of Outer Smuggington, on behalf of their new MP.

And maybe, just maybe, there will be another new beginning around the corner… but patience, Precious, patience.

All good things in their own time and turn.

6 Pentacles and Red Lily

From the Robin Wood Tarot

Choices and Decisions – that’s what this week’s cards say to me.

The Sixes of course are ruled by the Lovers and there is no greater choice than the one represented by that card.

Red Lily is the Lotus, the Buddhist symbol of Enlightenment and its key is that it helps with grounding and a full awareness of the present moment. Only in such a state can clear choices be made.

Pentacles of course are for the material realm and the keywords for the Six are giving and receiving.

The reversed aspect, which has been in play this week, suggest an imbalance – most likely in terms of the power dynamics between benefactor and recipient.

This was a full week, to say the least. I must save the biggest news for last because it’s very hard news, which I am not ready to deal with.

Instead I’ll start at the beginning, with a request from my ex-husband John to check out airfares for Kate to go back and visit him. But when I found him a really good deal he told me he couldn’t afford it at the moment.

I seriously considered paying for the ticket myself and letting him pay me back. And then I recognised the familiar pattern.

Took me long enough – I’m sitting here thinking of loans and belt tightenings to assist, and then realised how peculiar it was that he should ask me to check out airfares at all when he didn’t have the money.

John’s record on repayment – in cash or kind – put me very much in mind of the reversed 6 Pentacles. I’ve been here so many times before and seen my efforts to put a little away for that rainy day turn to nothing again and again.

I’m pleased to say I made a new decision to an old choice, with no regrets at all.

If John wants to see his daughter he must make a few hard choices of his own. I am no longer under any obligation to make things easier for him – nor shoud I ever have felt that I was.

That I did smacks of that power imbalance I referred to.

Instead I made the choice to buy a new fridge – yup, still enjoying my new-found prosperity and 24 month no interest terms. I will have it paid off in half that time.

So it felt like a week of good choices and clear decisions.

Then yesterday, out of the blue, came the smackdown.

My beautiful house, my haven, home of my heart, is being sold from under me.

I have no offer I can make to the owners. My new-found prosperity doesn’t stretch so far. All I can do is resolve to enjoy the time left here in Flower Street in my beautiful old ramshackle farmhouse.

I will love every moment to the full, for now I see my time here is very finite indeed.

And there’s a spiritual lesson to end on.

Knight of Swords and Peach-Flowered Tea Tree

From the Robin Wood Tarot

Uh oh! I’ve been waving my sword around and I might have hit someone who didn’t deserve it after all.

And why? Oh, pathetic cliché, I think PMS is the culprit.

I had to send my former mother-in-law the latest school photo of Kate and I hadn’t spoken to her since our last conversation, which had turned to money.

I made an assumption in that conversation – always a mistake – that John had been suggesting to her that I was trying to gouge him for cash.

The reality of course is that he’s never given me a bean and when I suggested he send his daughter a measly $50 a week now she’s in high school, he stopped sending her anything at all.

My letter to accompany the photo began as an attempt to clear the air, but will probably sound like a vicious attack on both her and her son.

And then, a day after I posted it, in a full huff of righteous indignation she phoned… and didn’t know what I was talking about.

Knights whose judgment is impaired (as the reversed Knight of Swords indicates) should really learn to keep their weapons sheathed.

Peach-Flowered Tea Tree is for, among other things, mood swings and pre-menstrual tension – especially good in combination with She Oak.

Am I pre-menstrual? Why, yes, yes I am. And feeling just a bit ashamed of myself.

I could have done some real damage and I must get this imbalance sorted out – or finally learn to recognise it earlier.

In this instance I feel no great harm will result, but I do not find myself covered in glory on this occasion.

Far from it.

The Tower and Spinifex

From the Robin Wood Tarot

Just before I drew these cards John telephoned to say he’s in a debt recovery program and that he had also had another epilepsy episode, this time at the top of a flight of stairs.

In the first instance therefore, both of these cards relate to my sorry ex, who struggles on in his unhappy relationship with the woman he left me for, all because he’s frightened of being alone.

The reversed Tower is for his refusal to voluntarily accept his lesson and Spinifex for the manifestation of that refusal as a physical illness that provides a brief escape from his situation.

But they were also for me. His phone call got me thinking about his inherent dishonesty – which I now see extends even unto his own self.

It was one of the first things I learned about him, that he was a liar, and I thought knowing it would keep me safe from being hurt by it.

I thought of all those years I lived with his dishonesty, loved it, allowed it to paw me in the night. And the thought made me shudder at how I had allowed myself to be defiled.

Such big thoughts are a sure sign that a learning is in progress, so I spent the week considering defilement, what it means to me and how it impacts on my sexuality.

At some level, do I really feel that my sexual relationship with my ex-husband was a defilement, skewed in favour of the profane with the sacred forgotten and ignored?

“Defiled” is such a biblical word.

It’s a word which travels up from the subconscious and Spinifex, while useful in identifying the emotional underpinning of any physical complaint, is particularly prescribed for conditions arising from sexual shame.

I have travelled many emotions since my Tower moment. I have sat in the rubble of my marriage and counted the stark lies which brought it down and experienced everything from rage to despair.

But I have never felt shame before.

Why did I marry a liar? Why did I think our love was worth more than my integrity?

Why did I forgive him, again and again, for every little lie?

For both John and me, this reversed Tower signifies an after-shock of insight. We each need to rebuild from the ground up.

My own feeling is that honesty to one own’s self is the only solid foundation. That’s why John suffers on and I do not.

I went to the pool and washed away the dishonesty of 20 years with John.

And then I forgave myself for placing my younger, more innocent self in the hands of a dishonest man.

My debt for the error paid.

Paid in full.

2 Cups and Freshwater Mangrove

It’s rare these days for me to have absolutely no idea of what to say about a pair of cards, but this is one of those times.

They seem to speak of overcoming prejudice – Freshwater Mangrove opens to new experiences the heart which has been closed by learned prejudices.

The 2 Cups is the romance card, but also speaks of reconciliation and healing through love.

Neither seems to relate to my experiences of the past week, which have been fairly mundane – a good thing after a pretty miserable start to January.

The only real thing that happened of note was another unsatisfactory round with my ex-husband John over money for Kate, but this week’s cards don’t seem to relate to that issue.

At a stretch I’ll say that if John and I could break out of our usual pattern of behaviour, as referred to by Freshwater Mangrove, perhaps we could achieve a better outcome for Kate, under the auspices of the 2 Cups.

That’s a stretch – when it comes to the ‘money relationship’ with the ex, I’ve managed to keep it simple by not asking for any. It was the deal – if he didn’t stand in the way of us leaving England, I wouldn’t seek any child support from him.

It’s been hard but I’ve seen how much harder it is for other mums, locked in an ugly, ongoing battle with their exes for every payment.

No, all I did was suggest that he might like to increase the 50 bucks in pocket money he sends straight to her every month now that she’s in high school.

We never even got around to discussing the amount – as if it was any of my business. He just stopped sending her anything at all.

So I’m disinclined to overcome my prejudice in thinking that he’s a mean and sorry excuse for a dad.

And I don’t know how to discuss it with Kate, who is understandably hurt and bewildered that her pocket money no longer comes.

If there’s healing and reconciliation to be done, it’s between those two and I realised a while back that I have no role to play in it.

All I can do is keep silent – is that the lesson? Don’t pass on my prejudices against him but try and leave a space for their two hearts to find each other again?

In the meantime, it breaks my heart that he neglects her so.

Right up to the last days of my dad’s life he would still be popping a couple of 20s into an envelope to me with a note urging me to buy myself a little treat.

The pleasure it gave me had nothing to do with the amount and everything to do with knowing my dad loved me and was thinking of me.

That’s what John denies his daughters and no amount of hippie healing will take the burning anger out of my heart for that.