Posts tagged ‘Loneliness’

Queen of Wands and Sydney Rose

Sydney RoseFor a few weeks now I have been a reversed Queen of Wands, struggling to recover that sense of balance I enjoyed for such a short time after Jason’s visit.

There are several reasons for the tip into the negative and all come under the heading of lack.

From the Robin Wood Tarot

From the Robin Wood Tarot

Not least among them, Kate is going back to England soon to visit her dad. And it will be the first time she’s travelled alone.

Intellectually, I know that both she and I will be fine. I can even acknowledge that we will probably both ultimately enjoy the break from each other’s company.

But it’s hard not to focus on the sense of loss and stack it up next to the ongoing lack of Jason, and then to notice more and more little of pebbles of want lying in my path and then to stack them one by one on top of these two big rocks of sadness.

The Sydney Rose essence has been described by Ian White as the crowning glory of the Bush Flowers. Its serene message is the realisation that there is no separation between us, that we are all one.

Intellectually, this Queen knows this to be true. But in my reversed state of imbalance I suffer the melancholy and sense of isolation that must inevitably precede the full realisation of that crowning glory.

I am only human, with a yearning human heart.

I pray for strength to accept these physical separations which are my lot and the wisdom to put them in perspective.

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9 Cups and Dagger Hakea

From the Robin Wood Tarot

My wise companions, Dagger Hakea and the reversed 9 Cups, say the answer is to turn inwards for a moment.

The 9 Cups is a difficult one to get a handle on and perhaps it’s that my deck doesn’t depict it very well for me. The Robin Wood Tarot shows a jolly looking overweight man surrounded by cups.

Dagger Hakea is for bitterness and resentments in close relationships. These are often unexpressed which is why family disputes are the most difficult to resolve.

The Nines are ruled by the Hermit and the Cups cover the emotional component of his journey, so perhaps the man on the card is filling an emotional hole with the pleasures of the Cups.

There is an ambivalent feeling to this card – it’s about entertaining, enjoyment and celebration and yet, and yet… At the same time, all the commentaries speak of something missing from the celebration and warn against over-indulgence.

Reversed, the 9 Cups suggests that something which has been hidden or suppressed may be revealed.

With that in mind I took some Dagger Hakea and asked my sub-conscious to present me with someone I hold resentment against.

I have consequently spent the week dealing with feelings, long suppressed, surrounding the various times my father let me down.

I finally know, after all these years, how the little girl I was felt when my dad said he’d give me up because his girlfriend didn’t like me, when he forgot my birthday, hadn’t noticed I was left-handed, and so many other carelessly inflicted wounds.

I had always thought it was strange that I seemed to feel no hurt or bitterness over these things. I only realised they were hurtful when I saw how people reacted when I told these stories as if they were funny.

Well, I never told the one about the girlfriend. There was no joking about that one and it has sat a long time on my heart, unexpressed.

It was a great relief to have a good cry.

An important part of the process of releasing that bitterness was also to forgive him and that has been a very beautiful and healing experience.

Going through this process at this time has also had an integral role in my decision over Jason’s visit.

Of course my low expectations of men in later relationships were inevitably formed in that primary one with my dad. Without realising it, I seemed to have married a man with similar tendencies.

Unlike my father and my ex-husband, Jason has never told me one thing and done another, nor has he ever placated me with empty promises or wooed away my hurts and disappointments with his charm.

Jason has always been utterly honest and cautionary about the limits of what he can offer me and I value that about him above all else.

Let him come. Let my dear friend come and enjoy the delights of summer with me, for even a Hermit craves company at times and what better company than a fellow traveller, taking a brief detour from his own lonely road?

9 Pentacles and Bush Iris

From the Robin Wood Tarot

Last week’s tiredness probably set me up for this week’s cold but it couldn’t dampen my enthusiasm. I’m still riding high on my good fortune.

But, but but, the reversed 9 Pentacles is a card of loneliness and it was in fact a perfect match for my mood of the moment.

I have everything I could wish for except… except… someone to share it with.

Not that I am overtaken by loneliness but there is always its doleful minor chord playing insistently under the merry main tune.

Bush Iris says ‘there there, all in its own time.’

It promotes an opening up of spirituality by fostering faith and helping us to step fearlessly in life, knowing we are not alone. It carries a reminder that all is just as it should be.

Both cards also say that we mustn’t neglect the spiritual in the midst of material comfort – a nudge that is very timely and which I do not ignore, even as I revel in the glory of my new fridge.

But the end of the week has brought a new challenge and both the reversed 9 Pentacles and Bush Iris suggest cause and solution, with no word on cost.

Jason has once again raised the prospect of a visit.

He is my undisputed perfect guy in every respect except his stated desire to be a single man. Next to that the mere 10,000 miles between us is a minor issue, trust me.

I know of course that another few weeks of happiness with him would not be an end to my loneliness.

I know the prospects would be high that at the end of it I would be left crying as bitterly and as long as the last time over the one thing I cannot have.

And then I cried every day for a year. It leaves a mark.

It will be interesting to see what I decide – see how my defence mechanism kicks straight in! I am so detached from the situation I don’t even know how I feel about it.

This shelter will not hold for long. Tune in next week for the continuing storrrrry of a gentle hippie girl making her way alone through the dark woods.

The Tower and Sydney Rose

From the Peanuts Tarot

I’m at a bit of a loss as I begin, wondering how to relate the reversed Tower to the past week.

Work has been truly fantastic – my stint at Parliament went even better than I could have hoped.

Three months to impress the Minister and his Chief of Staff? Three days will do!

And three days away from the poisonous air of the office were welcome too. No sign of the Tower reversed there – unless he can stand for change and illumination without pain, which I frankly don’t believe.

But while I enjoyed one of the best working weeks of my life – truly – there was frustration, tears, hurt, longing and loneliness at home. I don’t want to dwell on that at the expense of my pleasure in my Parliamentary debut, but obviously for the sake of my learning I must.

Sydney Rose is a very special essence. It helps us to recognise that we are all One, a profound insight that is easy enough to appreciate intellectually but almost impossible to realise as a direct, factual experience.

Its flipside, however, is something we are all familiar with and certainly is an accurate description of my darker feelings of the week: Loneliness, melancholy, isolation – yip, that about sums it up.

There was only one person in the frame to share my glory and that was my cousin Janis.

She emailed me on Day Two with apologies for having to cancel her visit this weekend. Her life is currently more chaotic than usual. Her daughter Louise, however, will be over as planned.

I am so sorry for Janis’ continuing struggles and I know it’s not at all intentional, but I felt dumped.

And that made me nasty. Stew long enough and I can come up with this:

She has no time for me, yet is perfectly happy to send Louise over weekend after weekend, with no contact with me at all. I feel like a child minder.

My payment is to lose Kate for the other weekends, when she goes to say with Louise, so the effect is that every weekend I spend alone.

And the ones when Louise is here feel the loneliest of all.

So here I was this weekend, missing my graduation (if you recall, on the same grounds of having no one to share it with, boohoo), with no one to tell my triumph to, and who was the first person to call, to hear my news?

The ex-husband, who made snide remarks to boot about it not being a real Parliament because it’s not British, reminding me again of why the world feels a special fondness for his nation.

But back to me: Here I am, royally double-dumped.

I am not ready for the lesson of the Sydney Rose. The idea of being One with that bastard makes me shudder, probably because I was for so long.

All of the above poison-spitting aside, I am lonely.

That’s what it comes to. I am achingly lonely. The loneliness of the shy, single person.

I need to learn how to impose on people, but have no idea where to begin.

The reversed Tower has presided over no insights at all on the matter.

I stand alone with the only thing I have ever known: That to expect anyone else to stand by me for any great length of time is a fool’s wish.

They all go in the end and I alone remain.

4 Swords and Isopogon

From the Robin Wood Tarot

Another week in which I begin my journal entry with no idea of what I will write. So let’s see what develops –

The 4 Swords reversed signals that a time of withdrawal and inactivity is coming to an end.

And indeed I hope that proves true – a sure sign that it will, I suppose, as that must be in my own hands.

However, I can’t relate it particularly to the week just gone – I didn’t even manage to get to the pool for a swim, which I had been promising myself I would do.

Only one thing occurs to me to mention, and that was a chance meeting on the bus which took place on Friday.

It was on the way in to work and I got into conversation with a lovely young woman who admired my Winnie the Pooh backpack and my Lord of the Rings lunchbox. So there, Kate. How childish is it now?

I can relate Isopogon to this encounter because we exchanged email addresses and she emailed me when she got to work, seeking my assistance with a pop music quiz.

Trivial, yes, but Isopogon relates to retrieving past knowledge so its energy was definitely in play.

Yes, I am lonely. I have to admit it when a casual conversation on a bus is the highlight of my week.

I hope – I know – that I am more self sufficient than ever before but I would like to meet people like that nice young woman more often and enjoy a bit of trivia.

And, not to beat about the bush, if she were to bring along her smart, sexy, issue-free older brother, so much the better.

Oh well, a conversation on the bus is a toe in the water at least.

Bloody hell I need to get out more!

Page of Pentacles and Tall Yellow Top

From the Robin Wood Tarot

After that miserable Friday night, Saturday threatened to hold more of the same and both these cards seemed to confirm that.

So what did happen?

Well in spite of myself I had an excellent and productive day. Hardly the territory of the Page of Pentacles reversed… or is it?

This was the day Michelle turned up annanounced and treated Kate and I to a lovely evening at the Medieval Fair that was going on in the park.

And, in talking to her about my terrible mood of the evening before, I realised something I had somehow earlier missed.

There I had sat, feeling lonely and isolated (Tall Yellow Top territory) and yet… the phone kept ringing.

First it was the mum of one of Kate’s friends – and I could have talked to her. One of my cleaning clients phoned and let me know she was feeling crappy, so I could have talked to her. And Michelle herself phoned, but by that stage I was set on my downward path and would not be turned.

In other words, practical support was there, but I was so determined to feel sorry for myself I didn’t even see it.

The Page offers a gift. Reversed – sometimes – she signifies our refusal or inability to simply accept it.

With the help of Tall Yellow Top, I finally saw the grace of that hand outstretched and found some comfort there.

9 Pentacles and Mint Bush

Serenity Self-sufficiency Satisfaction

From the Robin Wood Tarot

There have been times in my life – and how I wish they would come again – when I have known that serene self-sufficiency of the 9 Pentacles.

But today I did not welcome her at all. I do not want to be alone. I do not want to be content with my own company.

I feel like a spoilt child even as I write the words, but it’s the truth. How long, Lady? How long?

Mint Bush is supposed to ease the turmoil we endure at testing times in our lives and last night I endured one of the loneliest nights in a long while. I’m prepared to admit, in the cold light of day, that I was digging the pit with my own hands but once I’d started down the path of Woe Is Me there was no turning back.

In a rather comforting recollection of Judgment, which I drew not long ago, Mint Bush helps us cope with the dross we must burn off before we can emerge at a new spiritual level. This can be understood as the trials and tribulations which are key to any mythological Quest, and there are many – from the Odyssey through the Grail to Harry Potter. Just as they are a metaphor for the process of growth and learning through experience, so is Mint Bush.

Sometimes the trials and tribulations of life become too much. Whether its divorce, illness or any other challenge which requires an overhaul of the status quo, there comes a point when it’s hard to see how to go on.

That’s how I felt last night, after Kate had gone to bed and I sat, once again, alone with the television and a glass of wine and no-one, absolutely no-one, with whom to share the minutiae of my day. What good was it, to have been strong enough to leave everything I knew so that my kids could have a better chance of happiness. What good was it, to have been smart enough to survive the slashing of our household income by two thirds and never, never, since the day he left, to have missed a bill or deprived my girls of anything. What good was it, to have been lucky enough to have all my expectations of life here fulfilled. What good was any of it, when I sit here on another lonely Friday night with only misery for company.

And now, on Saturday morning, Mint Bush and the serene 9 Pentacles promise that this, too, shall pass. They promise too that crises of faith, like the one I endured last night, will leave me stronger and perhaps a little wiser.