Posts tagged ‘Minor Arcana’

8 Wands and Flannel Flower

From the Robin Wood Tarot

From the Robin Wood Tarot

Flannel FlowerThe last week before Jason arrives, not as my friend or lover, but as my intended husband, my soul partner.

Is it any wonder that the stalled energy of the reversed 8 Wands should dominate?

The minutes are crawling toward the appointed hour but thankfully we have the spirit of playfulness and intimacy of Flannel Flower to see us through.

But the phone bills are going to be truly frightening.

Page of Pentacles and Dagger Hakea

From the Robin Wood Tarot

From the Robin Wood Tarot

Dagger HakeaThis is the last week before Kate’s trip to England, so the spotlight shifts from the Romantic Fool (me) to my beautiful daughter.

She has had a gruelling week of exams, the realm of the studious Pentacles Page, which I drew in its reversed aspect.

As well as the stress of her studies, I know she has misgivings about the trip and how she will be received in her father’s house. Alas, I fear she has good reason to be concerned.

At least she will have her sister Anne to fall back on if necessary.

Dagger Hakea is the remedy for the bitterness and resentment, usually unspoken, that can build up between loved ones. Its positive outcome is forgiveness and love.

I have long felt that the dreadful inability of John and his daughters to talk to each other about the marriage break-up is a long-running festering sore on their relationship.

It will be painful but I am sure they all need to get on and deal with it.

But I have no role to play in that drama. My job is to sit on the sidelines, ready to offer what comfort I can when it is called for, trusting that my children are capable of managing this one without me.

And if they choose to let it lie another year, then so be it.

Ace of Swords and Jacaranda

From the Robin Wood Tarot

From the Robin Wood Tarot

JacarandaWhat a momentous, marvellous dream-come-true of a week.

Although it did not start that way, so let me tell it in order.

The sense of struggle and imbalance continued and reached its climax with another conversation with Jason that left me feeling bereft and isolated.

In the first weeks after his return to England we talked often and openly and honestly about our feelings. But you can’t do that endlessly without resolution.

The situation was unchanged. Two long-standing friends separated by thousands of miles, not to mention profoundly differing ideas on what we want from life, who stupidly fell in love.

Lately when we’ve spoken we’ve skirted around the feelings part, neither of us wishing to pick over that particular scab, but it looms so large it had turned into a barrier between us.

He’d ask me how I’d been and I’d say fine, when I was aching with loneliness. Back to the same-old, same-old. Our conversations went from deep sharing to shallow banalities, punctuated by awkward silence on both sides.

I kept getting the feeling he wanted to say something, but didn’t know how. Or perhaps that was just me feeling that way. I could no longer tell.

No wonder then, at the reversed Ace of Swords to mirror all this miscommunication and confusion.

Finally, it seemed to me the only possible answer was to call it a day and I sent him an email saying basically if it was a choice of mates or nothing I’d prefer the nothing.

Jacaranda is for clear-mindedness and decisiveness – an antidote for the state of the reversed Ace of Swords, but it is also the tree Jason fell in love with the first time he came over, so it’s always in my heart linked to him.

How sad then, how heart breaking, to see my cards on their shelf and realise how closely they matched the dreadful circumstances.

And then… and then, he emailed and then he called and gave me the one thing I lacked, the one thing the human heart cannot thrive without. He gave me hope.

I don’t know how long it will take or how exactly it will be achieved, but I do know that the man who always said he wanted to spend his life alone has changed his mind.

He wants to be with me, and that is enough – more than enough. The rest is detail. And he’s looking into the options and coming back to me. We will be together.

Reading Philip and Stephanie Carr-Gomm, who developed the Druidcraft Tarot, I see this morning they have this to say about the reversed Ace of Swords:

“Too much separation (of polarities) creates imbalance and the Sword of the Mind separated from the Chalice of the Heart for too long can cause suffering.

You may have cut yourself off from someone or something with insufficient attention to your emotions, or you may feel cut off in this way by someone else.”

Bingo.

But my solution was to walk away. Thank all that’s holy that Jason’s was to run after me, run after me and give me his heart.

Yippee!

Queen of Wands and Sydney Rose

Sydney RoseFor a few weeks now I have been a reversed Queen of Wands, struggling to recover that sense of balance I enjoyed for such a short time after Jason’s visit.

There are several reasons for the tip into the negative and all come under the heading of lack.

From the Robin Wood Tarot

From the Robin Wood Tarot

Not least among them, Kate is going back to England soon to visit her dad. And it will be the first time she’s travelled alone.

Intellectually, I know that both she and I will be fine. I can even acknowledge that we will probably both ultimately enjoy the break from each other’s company.

But it’s hard not to focus on the sense of loss and stack it up next to the ongoing lack of Jason, and then to notice more and more little of pebbles of want lying in my path and then to stack them one by one on top of these two big rocks of sadness.

The Sydney Rose essence has been described by Ian White as the crowning glory of the Bush Flowers. Its serene message is the realisation that there is no separation between us, that we are all one.

Intellectually, this Queen knows this to be true. But in my reversed state of imbalance I suffer the melancholy and sense of isolation that must inevitably precede the full realisation of that crowning glory.

I am only human, with a yearning human heart.

I pray for strength to accept these physical separations which are my lot and the wisdom to put them in perspective.

6 Wands and Wisteria

Wisteria

From the Druidcraft Tarot

From the Druidcraft Tarot

When I can see no obvious connection between the week’s cards I feel uncertain and uncomfortable, as if I must be missing something.

Isn’t it interesting how my mind is so determined to find links and meanings in two random choices that I’ve become so easily convinced they exist.

I drew the 6 Wands in its reversed aspect in a week which has been dominated by difficulties with my new assistant at work. He is much older than I am and we’re not settling in well together.

The reversed 6 Wands can indeed indicate conflict at work as well as a reluctance or dificulty in taking on a leadership role.

Wisteria, on the other hand, is an essence for female sexuality. Yah, I know! But none of those connections there, I hastily assure you.

When the obvious doesn’t do it, go deeper, I always say.

If we think of the interplay between male and female as it exists beyond the physical plane we can see it expressed in gender roles and that includes in the workplace.

So, I’m the office manager and he’s my assistant. The only other person in our workplace is the boss, who isn’t often on the premises which leaves us mostly on our own.

Sounds almost like a couple relationship, doesn’t it. And some of the difficulties are pretty much the same.

I’m sure they’re compounded because, as an older man, he’s probably finding it difficult to cede the leadership role to me.

If this isn’t a pretty primal struggle for balance between male and female gendered roles, I don’t know what is.

I also don’t quite know how to deal with it, but a bit of Wisterian self assurance on my part would no doubt help.

10 Swords and She Oak

From the Hello Kitty Tarot

From the Hello Kitty Tarot

She OakThe 10s are about completion and, at the same time, about creation. They signify the end of one cycle and the beginning of another.

The 10 Swords in particular carries the pain so often associated with endings. In the middle of an ending it can be impossible to imagine, let alone spot through the gloom, the seeds within it of renewal and rebirth.

And yet… there they are, whether we are aware of them or not.

She Oak is the essence of rebirth. On the physical level it helps to remove the barriers to conception, balancing female – and also male – reproductive hormones and creating the optimum conditions to support new life.

Strange that She Oak and the reversed 10 Swords should turn up straight after Jason’s return to England and my new-found courage to face whatever challenges may lie ahead, with or without him.

What seemed at first a complex, almost impenetrable, combination has clarified over the week into a clear and rather beautiful message.

The upright 10 Swords suggests a state of emotional defeat so bleak as to be unbearable. Well, I’ve certainly had my 10 Swords times in this relationship but this isn’t one of them.

Does the reversed 10 Swords signify the finger-twitch of defiance that says “just give me a minute, I’ll be right.” I like to think so.

If so, She Oak points clearly to the promise of new beginnings inherent even in the 10 Swords.

That got me thinking about that awful moment when my ex-husband John left me, probably because I really did feel then that there was no glimmer of hope.

It’s incredible to look back and realise that within that moment lay the seeds of all I have become. And to then acknowledge that there was good in there, although I surely couldn’t see it at the time.

It’s taken years to get to this point and it’s been a hard slog. Never would I have expected to ever write a paragraph like that last one.

The fact that I can tells me no-one will ever bring me that low again. I have seen those tiny seeds of renewal and I have watched them grow into something wonderful.

So, this week’s (shorter) lesson is: Shit is also Fertiliser. Water it in well with a few tears and your garden will bloom again. Or something like that.

Love and Peace.

8 Pentacles and Silver Princess

Silver_Princess

From the Robin Wood Tarot

From the Robin Wood Tarot

It has taken all the weeks of Jason’s visit and now his departure to really learn the lesson of the reversed 8 Pentacles. I hope I have learned it well.

This is the student’s card, the card of steady application and the hard, slow slog of learning new skills.

Reversed, it can indicate that a period of assessment is required. A time to review the lesson so far, spot the gaps, check on progress and make sure that blockbuster essay actually answers the question.

Silver Princess, which helps us identify our life direction and purpose, is a perfect match.

So what have I learned, and how does it help me?

Needless to say, our holiday was a delight. We swam, we walked the beach and shared the beauty of our little island paradise, lazed in the sun and delighted in each other’s company.

When he left I cried, of course, but I don’t think I will keep crying this time as I did before, when I wept solidly and inconsolably every day for a whole bloody year.

Perhaps my biggest learning was to understand better the reason for those tears.

I cried because there were things I had wanted to say to him but hadn’t, for fear of scaring him off, for fear of exposing myself to ridicule or exploitation.

But as I rested and relaxed with him and took the time to think about our relationship and what it means to me I realised my silence was nothing new.

When it came to a new relationship I behaved just as I had in my last one. I kept quiet, revealing just enough to let him know he’s got me, but never enough to let him know how much.

To keep quiet about my own fears and desires, to pour my energies into making someone else happy as if that’s sufficient… isn’t that just how I behaved with John?

No wonder John was surprised at my reaction when he said he didn’t love me any more and was leaving me for someone else.

Up to that moment, my default position was always to smile and say, of course dear, if that’s what makes you happy,

And this time?

Does it help a man to know that there’s a woman on the other side of the world weeping and wailing because he can’t give her the one thing she wants, his presence in her life?

Ever since that moment when our lips first crossed the line of friendship and this whole sorry saga began, I’ve followed his lead and agreed mutely that we can control this thing and step in and out of love as we choose.

But at what cost?

To open my heart and reveal the full extent of my feelings and my desires, that’s a scary thing.

But to skim lightly over the surface and avoid the hard truths is to risk the very foundation of our relationship, the true and honest friendship which brought us together in the first place.

It doesn’t matter that my motives were good, that it didn’t seem right to share the full burden of my heartache when there was nothing he could do about it.

Turns out there was one thing he could do, and he did it. He could share it.

So what did I learn? That when I finally speak what’s in my heart all else falls into place.

Not neatly, by any means. Jason’s gone, back to his wonderful career and his dank little flat, and I’m here finishing up the unpacking and preparing myself to go back to work.

Oh yes, I’ve shed a tear or two but I’m not grieving. Instead I feel complete, content and ready for the year ahead. And closer to Jason than I ever felt to anyone before.

I already knew 10,000 miles is nothing as the heart flies. It’s even less when another heart meets it halfway.

So, nothing is changed and yet everything has.

No more dancing around that silly imaginary line that we crossed so long ago now. There ain’t no going back to simple friendship but sharing the pain with honesty and trust goes a long way to making it bearable.

I do not cry or fly alone. We’re wingtip to wingtip across the ocean and on this journey for good or ill. At some point we must join up or part ways but whatever happens, I will not be choked into silence by my own fears.

The essay answers the question, time to return to the coursework of balancing our relationship with the other areas of my life until I can manage them all with authority.