Posts tagged ‘Pentacles’

Page of Pentacles and Dagger Hakea

From the Robin Wood Tarot

From the Robin Wood Tarot

Dagger HakeaThis is the last week before Kate’s trip to England, so the spotlight shifts from the Romantic Fool (me) to my beautiful daughter.

She has had a gruelling week of exams, the realm of the studious Pentacles Page, which I drew in its reversed aspect.

As well as the stress of her studies, I know she has misgivings about the trip and how she will be received in her father’s house. Alas, I fear she has good reason to be concerned.

At least she will have her sister Anne to fall back on if necessary.

Dagger Hakea is the remedy for the bitterness and resentment, usually unspoken, that can build up between loved ones. Its positive outcome is forgiveness and love.

I have long felt that the dreadful inability of John and his daughters to talk to each other about the marriage break-up is a long-running festering sore on their relationship.

It will be painful but I am sure they all need to get on and deal with it.

But I have no role to play in that drama. My job is to sit on the sidelines, ready to offer what comfort I can when it is called for, trusting that my children are capable of managing this one without me.

And if they choose to let it lie another year, then so be it.

8 Pentacles and Silver Princess

Silver_Princess

From the Robin Wood Tarot

From the Robin Wood Tarot

It has taken all the weeks of Jason’s visit and now his departure to really learn the lesson of the reversed 8 Pentacles. I hope I have learned it well.

This is the student’s card, the card of steady application and the hard, slow slog of learning new skills.

Reversed, it can indicate that a period of assessment is required. A time to review the lesson so far, spot the gaps, check on progress and make sure that blockbuster essay actually answers the question.

Silver Princess, which helps us identify our life direction and purpose, is a perfect match.

So what have I learned, and how does it help me?

Needless to say, our holiday was a delight. We swam, we walked the beach and shared the beauty of our little island paradise, lazed in the sun and delighted in each other’s company.

When he left I cried, of course, but I don’t think I will keep crying this time as I did before, when I wept solidly and inconsolably every day for a whole bloody year.

Perhaps my biggest learning was to understand better the reason for those tears.

I cried because there were things I had wanted to say to him but hadn’t, for fear of scaring him off, for fear of exposing myself to ridicule or exploitation.

But as I rested and relaxed with him and took the time to think about our relationship and what it means to me I realised my silence was nothing new.

When it came to a new relationship I behaved just as I had in my last one. I kept quiet, revealing just enough to let him know he’s got me, but never enough to let him know how much.

To keep quiet about my own fears and desires, to pour my energies into making someone else happy as if that’s sufficient… isn’t that just how I behaved with John?

No wonder John was surprised at my reaction when he said he didn’t love me any more and was leaving me for someone else.

Up to that moment, my default position was always to smile and say, of course dear, if that’s what makes you happy,

And this time?

Does it help a man to know that there’s a woman on the other side of the world weeping and wailing because he can’t give her the one thing she wants, his presence in her life?

Ever since that moment when our lips first crossed the line of friendship and this whole sorry saga began, I’ve followed his lead and agreed mutely that we can control this thing and step in and out of love as we choose.

But at what cost?

To open my heart and reveal the full extent of my feelings and my desires, that’s a scary thing.

But to skim lightly over the surface and avoid the hard truths is to risk the very foundation of our relationship, the true and honest friendship which brought us together in the first place.

It doesn’t matter that my motives were good, that it didn’t seem right to share the full burden of my heartache when there was nothing he could do about it.

Turns out there was one thing he could do, and he did it. He could share it.

So what did I learn? That when I finally speak what’s in my heart all else falls into place.

Not neatly, by any means. Jason’s gone, back to his wonderful career and his dank little flat, and I’m here finishing up the unpacking and preparing myself to go back to work.

Oh yes, I’ve shed a tear or two but I’m not grieving. Instead I feel complete, content and ready for the year ahead. And closer to Jason than I ever felt to anyone before.

I already knew 10,000 miles is nothing as the heart flies. It’s even less when another heart meets it halfway.

So, nothing is changed and yet everything has.

No more dancing around that silly imaginary line that we crossed so long ago now. There ain’t no going back to simple friendship but sharing the pain with honesty and trust goes a long way to making it bearable.

I do not cry or fly alone. We’re wingtip to wingtip across the ocean and on this journey for good or ill. At some point we must join up or part ways but whatever happens, I will not be choked into silence by my own fears.

The essay answers the question, time to return to the coursework of balancing our relationship with the other areas of my life until I can manage them all with authority.

5 Pentacles and Kapok Bush

From the Robin Wood Tarot

From the Robin Wood Tarot

Kapok BushThe night is darkest before the Dawn, the last mile is the longest, etc etc.

Here are two perfect cards for the last stretch before the finish line.

The 5 Pentacles is the Poverty card – there is nothing left in the bank but hope and you can’t cash that.

It’s not just about money of course and, thankfully, there’s nothing poverty-stricken about my finances. It’s also about emotions, spirituality and, most significantly for the past week, health.

I’m exhausted. I’ve been tottering around in pain, blind, unable to think straight and yes, once or twice, I’ve hit the pit and felt that I simply could not go on.

But the 5 Pentacles is reversed, which promises a change of fortune, and Kapok Bush restores us when we’ve had the stuffing knocked out of us.

This feels more like more than the consequence of a difficult house move.

Five years ago, in December, I brought two children to the other side of the world with the promise of a better life for us all.

I was running on nothing but hope… and you can’t cash that.

It’s only now, with a secure job and all the trimmings that entails, that all the promises I made to those children are utterly fulfilled.

I am exhausted. And this last week has been a slog.

But here it is, the day before Christmas Eve, and my work is done.

All I have to do for the summer is relax, enjoy myself and share it with my dearest Jason, who will be here right after Christmas.

After that, after that…

There will be some exciting challenges ahead.

By then I will be fully rested and ready to meet them in my own inimitable hippie style!

6 Pentacles and Mint Bush

I asked and I was given.

From the Robin Wood Tarot

When I saw the details of the modern two-bedroom house just 20 minutes away from the office on the internet, I wanted it. I asked for it before ever I saw it.

I hardly dared to believe in my chance of getting it and yet, at the same time, there was a calmness about it all that was a world away from the way I felt about last week’s house, which I applied for and was refused.

That difference is illustrated beautifully by the 6 Pentacles, the card of giving and receiving.

Above all, the upright 6 Pentacles refers to a balance between giver and receiver – so that there is no obligation or power imbalance between the two.

In other words, I asked and was able to leave it at that.

There was no need to fret or wheedle or try to bribe the hand of fate. There was no point in marshalling evidence as to why I should have it, why I deserved it, why it should be given to me and not another.

Somehow, no matter that I wanted it so desperately as an answer to all my present needs, it was enough just to ask and be prepared to accept the outcome, whatever it may be.

That is not to say it was an easy journey – just getting to the place was high drama, with missed buses, wrong trains, expensive taxi etc.

We got there nearly an hour late and had missed the agent, with no idea of how many people had got in ahead of me, but when I saw the place it was even more perfect than I’d imagined and I wanted it even more.

The next day, Sunday, I thought about the house, my request or prayer, and my strangely calm attitude in the interim.

In spite of wanting it so much I felt no anxiety at all at the prospect of disappointment. I had asked, and was content to leave the answer to fate.

Instead of a Sunday gnawed by uncertainties and worries, I enjoyed a relaxing, productive day of the kind I have loved so well in this ramshackle old farmhouse.

First thing Monday I put in my application and, just hours later, was accepted.

Mint Bush helps us cope with the trials and tribulations associated with spiritual growth.

As above, so below. Spiritual growth is not something which happens separately to our daily lives but is an enriched dimension of it.

And so, through the many physical trials and tribulations associated with the finding of this house, I found a spiritual lesson and hopefully the wisdom to deal sensibly with the further trials which I’m sure are yet to come.

The balance of the 6 Pentacles, the point where giver and receiver meet as equals, marks a spiritual calm at the centre that somehow gives me faith that all is well and my path is true.

10 Pentacles and Illawarra Flame Tree

From the Robin Wood Tarot

The day before I drew these cards was a terrible one.

I was looking for somewhere to live, rushing from open house to open house and realising the true awfulness of trying to do it on public transport.

I got shitty. Black-hearted and shitty at having to do it all on my own with no one to help me.

Running under the black tides of the day was a current of self pity and rejection as I remembered that my cousin Janis had offered to drive me around to these places and hadn’t phoned to see if I needed her.

If she really cared about me, went my mewling, miserable reasoning, she would have phoned.

Finally, when I could do no more on my own, stuck between potential home and impossible journey to the real estate agent to lodge an application, I called her.

She was frantically busy of course, preparing to go away for a week with all the rushing around that entails. But without hesitation or question she dropped everything and came to my aid.

Well, she did have one question. “Why didn’t you call me sooner?”

When I told her it was because I knew she’d be busy (without mentioning my bitter resentment), she chided me. “Yes, but we’d always work it out. We’re family. That’s what we do.”

Well, needless to say, I cried. And felt not a little ashamed.

In the car, I asked her if she knew the name of the spectacular tree that is in flower at the moment and which, remarkably, I didn’t seem to have noticed before, although they seem to be growing all over town.

Well, the very next day I drew it as my flower essence of the week – the magnificent Illawarra Flame Tree.

Its essence releases the fear of rejection, the very fear more than likely that keeps my hand from picking up the phone in time of need.

The Flame Tree essence is for people who often feel rejected. They feel left out quite easily and are very deeply hurt when they do perceive rejection – real or imaginary, says Ian White.

‘Nuff said.

As for the reversed 10 Pentacles, there’s an element of rejection there too.

Upright, the 10 Pentacles is the ‘count your blessings and find them unnumbered’ card. Reversed, rather than signifying a lack of blessings, it seems more to do with an inability to bring them into focus.

The 10 Pentacles particularly calls up the blessings of home, family and the security they represent.

We are lucky enough in our blessed existence to have home and family, no matter what else we may feel we lack. Reversed, we are failing to draw upon the strength and comfort of our primary resource.

I hope I will remember this lesson well.

9 Pentacles and Bush Iris

From the Robin Wood Tarot

Last week’s tiredness probably set me up for this week’s cold but it couldn’t dampen my enthusiasm. I’m still riding high on my good fortune.

But, but but, the reversed 9 Pentacles is a card of loneliness and it was in fact a perfect match for my mood of the moment.

I have everything I could wish for except… except… someone to share it with.

Not that I am overtaken by loneliness but there is always its doleful minor chord playing insistently under the merry main tune.

Bush Iris says ‘there there, all in its own time.’

It promotes an opening up of spirituality by fostering faith and helping us to step fearlessly in life, knowing we are not alone. It carries a reminder that all is just as it should be.

Both cards also say that we mustn’t neglect the spiritual in the midst of material comfort – a nudge that is very timely and which I do not ignore, even as I revel in the glory of my new fridge.

But the end of the week has brought a new challenge and both the reversed 9 Pentacles and Bush Iris suggest cause and solution, with no word on cost.

Jason has once again raised the prospect of a visit.

He is my undisputed perfect guy in every respect except his stated desire to be a single man. Next to that the mere 10,000 miles between us is a minor issue, trust me.

I know of course that another few weeks of happiness with him would not be an end to my loneliness.

I know the prospects would be high that at the end of it I would be left crying as bitterly and as long as the last time over the one thing I cannot have.

And then I cried every day for a year. It leaves a mark.

It will be interesting to see what I decide – see how my defence mechanism kicks straight in! I am so detached from the situation I don’t even know how I feel about it.

This shelter will not hold for long. Tune in next week for the continuing storrrrry of a gentle hippie girl making her way alone through the dark woods.

6 Pentacles and Red Lily

From the Robin Wood Tarot

Choices and Decisions – that’s what this week’s cards say to me.

The Sixes of course are ruled by the Lovers and there is no greater choice than the one represented by that card.

Red Lily is the Lotus, the Buddhist symbol of Enlightenment and its key is that it helps with grounding and a full awareness of the present moment. Only in such a state can clear choices be made.

Pentacles of course are for the material realm and the keywords for the Six are giving and receiving.

The reversed aspect, which has been in play this week, suggest an imbalance – most likely in terms of the power dynamics between benefactor and recipient.

This was a full week, to say the least. I must save the biggest news for last because it’s very hard news, which I am not ready to deal with.

Instead I’ll start at the beginning, with a request from my ex-husband John to check out airfares for Kate to go back and visit him. But when I found him a really good deal he told me he couldn’t afford it at the moment.

I seriously considered paying for the ticket myself and letting him pay me back. And then I recognised the familiar pattern.

Took me long enough – I’m sitting here thinking of loans and belt tightenings to assist, and then realised how peculiar it was that he should ask me to check out airfares at all when he didn’t have the money.

John’s record on repayment – in cash or kind – put me very much in mind of the reversed 6 Pentacles. I’ve been here so many times before and seen my efforts to put a little away for that rainy day turn to nothing again and again.

I’m pleased to say I made a new decision to an old choice, with no regrets at all.

If John wants to see his daughter he must make a few hard choices of his own. I am no longer under any obligation to make things easier for him – nor shoud I ever have felt that I was.

That I did smacks of that power imbalance I referred to.

Instead I made the choice to buy a new fridge – yup, still enjoying my new-found prosperity and 24 month no interest terms. I will have it paid off in half that time.

So it felt like a week of good choices and clear decisions.

Then yesterday, out of the blue, came the smackdown.

My beautiful house, my haven, home of my heart, is being sold from under me.

I have no offer I can make to the owners. My new-found prosperity doesn’t stretch so far. All I can do is resolve to enjoy the time left here in Flower Street in my beautiful old ramshackle farmhouse.

I will love every moment to the full, for now I see my time here is very finite indeed.

And there’s a spiritual lesson to end on.