Posts tagged ‘Romance’

The Sun and Billy Goat Plum

From the Peanuts Tarot

From the Peanuts Tarot

Billy Goat PlumWhat a perfect pair of cards for the Official Engagement Tour.

The Sun for illumination, freedom and joy. Billy Goat Plum for shameless physical behaviour. Nuff said.

He’s here.

Before he left England he visited my daughters, Anne and Kate, asked for their blessing and showed them the engagement ring.

My only criteria were that it should be a ruby, not a diamond, and look as though it was crafted by Elves.

I don’t know what he was panicking about. It’s perfect.

Ace of Swords and Jacaranda

From the Robin Wood Tarot

From the Robin Wood Tarot

JacarandaWhat a momentous, marvellous dream-come-true of a week.

Although it did not start that way, so let me tell it in order.

The sense of struggle and imbalance continued and reached its climax with another conversation with Jason that left me feeling bereft and isolated.

In the first weeks after his return to England we talked often and openly and honestly about our feelings. But you can’t do that endlessly without resolution.

The situation was unchanged. Two long-standing friends separated by thousands of miles, not to mention profoundly differing ideas on what we want from life, who stupidly fell in love.

Lately when we’ve spoken we’ve skirted around the feelings part, neither of us wishing to pick over that particular scab, but it looms so large it had turned into a barrier between us.

He’d ask me how I’d been and I’d say fine, when I was aching with loneliness. Back to the same-old, same-old. Our conversations went from deep sharing to shallow banalities, punctuated by awkward silence on both sides.

I kept getting the feeling he wanted to say something, but didn’t know how. Or perhaps that was just me feeling that way. I could no longer tell.

No wonder then, at the reversed Ace of Swords to mirror all this miscommunication and confusion.

Finally, it seemed to me the only possible answer was to call it a day and I sent him an email saying basically if it was a choice of mates or nothing I’d prefer the nothing.

Jacaranda is for clear-mindedness and decisiveness – an antidote for the state of the reversed Ace of Swords, but it is also the tree Jason fell in love with the first time he came over, so it’s always in my heart linked to him.

How sad then, how heart breaking, to see my cards on their shelf and realise how closely they matched the dreadful circumstances.

And then… and then, he emailed and then he called and gave me the one thing I lacked, the one thing the human heart cannot thrive without. He gave me hope.

I don’t know how long it will take or how exactly it will be achieved, but I do know that the man who always said he wanted to spend his life alone has changed his mind.

He wants to be with me, and that is enough – more than enough. The rest is detail. And he’s looking into the options and coming back to me. We will be together.

Reading Philip and Stephanie Carr-Gomm, who developed the Druidcraft Tarot, I see this morning they have this to say about the reversed Ace of Swords:

“Too much separation (of polarities) creates imbalance and the Sword of the Mind separated from the Chalice of the Heart for too long can cause suffering.

You may have cut yourself off from someone or something with insufficient attention to your emotions, or you may feel cut off in this way by someone else.”

Bingo.

But my solution was to walk away. Thank all that’s holy that Jason’s was to run after me, run after me and give me his heart.

Yippee!

The Star and Red Grevillea

From the Robin Wood Tarot

From the Robin Wood Tarot

The other night, in my new spirit of emotional honesty, I told Jason that I feel lonely and miserable without him and he said he felt the same.Well no, I said, again in the spirit of honesty. It is not at all the same.

Jason has always been content to be alone. In all the years I’ve known him he has been happiest when he isn’t sharing his life with someone.

Whereas I have always been clear that I want someone with whom to share my life. I do not want to walk alone, although I hope that never drives me into a relationship for its own sake.

And then… and then he said something which he has never said before. He said he was thinking about the future and where he wants to spend it. Yes, an option he’s considering is here with me.

This is big. I may be not in despair and I might not be afraid but I am lonely.

So when he said he was thinking of doing the one thing that would fulfil my heart’s desire, I am proud to say that I responded, not as a needy lover, but as an honest, dispassionate friend.

To leave behind family and friends, everything he knows, there’s a pain in that as I know all too well. I would not think less of him for finding it a pain too great.

As Jason weighs up his options and wrestles with the biggest decision of his life, he does not need me weeping down the phone. And I do not need to be soaring around on the wings of false hope.

So why the Star, the card of hope and bright prospects just when I must be on my guard against it?

Red_GrevilleaNumerologically, the Star (17) is linked to Strength (8). Perhaps that’s why its message to me this week seems to be:

What will be, will be. However things may appear, the only challenge is ever to live this moment well, because the future is unknowable. Where there is life, and the beautiful Star, there is always hope.

Red Grevillea offers the strength to leave stuck situations and is a perfect companion. Because we are stuck, Jason and I. One of us must move or this sweetest of romances will wither into something bitter in the end.

And, as Jason contemplates his move I note an interesting aspect of Red Grevillea’s energy.

Ian White says that if you give someone else Red Grevillea to help them out of their situation, don’t be too attached to your expectations of how they will respond.

So that is my very clear lesson this week. I must be strong and compassionate, trusting that whatever Jason decides to do it will be in his best interest and in mine.

And if it is to stay in England, which it very well may be, then so be it. We must press on through the loneliness, confident in the knowledge that we’re living the moment well, with honesty and love.

The Star this time is not for me to follow, but to emulate.

9 Pentacles and Bush Iris

From the Robin Wood Tarot

Last week’s tiredness probably set me up for this week’s cold but it couldn’t dampen my enthusiasm. I’m still riding high on my good fortune.

But, but but, the reversed 9 Pentacles is a card of loneliness and it was in fact a perfect match for my mood of the moment.

I have everything I could wish for except… except… someone to share it with.

Not that I am overtaken by loneliness but there is always its doleful minor chord playing insistently under the merry main tune.

Bush Iris says ‘there there, all in its own time.’

It promotes an opening up of spirituality by fostering faith and helping us to step fearlessly in life, knowing we are not alone. It carries a reminder that all is just as it should be.

Both cards also say that we mustn’t neglect the spiritual in the midst of material comfort – a nudge that is very timely and which I do not ignore, even as I revel in the glory of my new fridge.

But the end of the week has brought a new challenge and both the reversed 9 Pentacles and Bush Iris suggest cause and solution, with no word on cost.

Jason has once again raised the prospect of a visit.

He is my undisputed perfect guy in every respect except his stated desire to be a single man. Next to that the mere 10,000 miles between us is a minor issue, trust me.

I know of course that another few weeks of happiness with him would not be an end to my loneliness.

I know the prospects would be high that at the end of it I would be left crying as bitterly and as long as the last time over the one thing I cannot have.

And then I cried every day for a year. It leaves a mark.

It will be interesting to see what I decide – see how my defence mechanism kicks straight in! I am so detached from the situation I don’t even know how I feel about it.

This shelter will not hold for long. Tune in next week for the continuing storrrrry of a gentle hippie girl making her way alone through the dark woods.

Page of Cups and Pink Mulla Mulla

From the Robin Wood Tarot

How am I to respond to a card which may herald the dawn of a loving relationship – and then doesn’t?

That’s to make it sound as if I was expecting it to – that I drew the promise of the Page of Cups and expected its fulfilment upon walking out the door – a chance encounter perhaps, a Mills and Boon meeting of eyes at a bus stop… You can picture the scenarios which sprang unbidden to my mind.

But I didn’t expect anything of the kind, not really. Crazy not stupid, after all.

I have made no secret of my loneliness and yearning for a relationship and of course I thought of romance as I drew the card, but only in a playful passing fancy.

The beginning of the week was dominated not by daydreams of a new romance but by thoughts of an old, long dead one, raised by a phone call with my eldest daughter Anne in faraway England.

She was telling me of the difficulties my ex-husband John is having with his new partner’s 11 year old son.

The boy was never an easy child and now it seems his father is encouraging him to be difficult.

I thought that was a shame, as I always regarded him as a decent man.

And then Anne told me what I didn’t know – as factory manager John had recently made him redundant.

So John has taken this man’s wife and children, his home and now his job too. That would stretch anyone’s sense of decency.

And I cried for my John.

I cried for the good man who did one bad thing and has been sinking further into the crap it generated ever since.

And that’s what the gentle, loving Page of Cups brought me. Not romance but compassion for the poor frightened boy who made a mess and never found the courage to admit it, let alone try and clean it up a bit.

Pink Mulla Mulla is for people who are unable to resolve a deep hurt, wrong or injustice which can make them suspicious of people’s motives, allowing them no rest.

I think again of my sorry ex and all the people touched so cruelly by his one, huge mistake.

What I don’t see anywhere is black-hearted malice, just tragedy on tragedy and misery for the ones who can’t find a way to make some running repairs and move on.

For myself though, this Page does also signify new beginnings and all the hope, optimism and excitement they generate.

I closed the week by saying goodbye to the Minister’s office, fond farewells and good wishes ringing in my ears.

I have the key to my new office and on Monday will begin serving the good people of Outer Smuggington, on behalf of their new MP.

And maybe, just maybe, there will be another new beginning around the corner… but patience, Precious, patience.

All good things in their own time and turn.