Posts tagged ‘Swords’

Ace of Swords and Jacaranda

From the Robin Wood Tarot

From the Robin Wood Tarot

JacarandaWhat a momentous, marvellous dream-come-true of a week.

Although it did not start that way, so let me tell it in order.

The sense of struggle and imbalance continued and reached its climax with another conversation with Jason that left me feeling bereft and isolated.

In the first weeks after his return to England we talked often and openly and honestly about our feelings. But you can’t do that endlessly without resolution.

The situation was unchanged. Two long-standing friends separated by thousands of miles, not to mention profoundly differing ideas on what we want from life, who stupidly fell in love.

Lately when we’ve spoken we’ve skirted around the feelings part, neither of us wishing to pick over that particular scab, but it looms so large it had turned into a barrier between us.

He’d ask me how I’d been and I’d say fine, when I was aching with loneliness. Back to the same-old, same-old. Our conversations went from deep sharing to shallow banalities, punctuated by awkward silence on both sides.

I kept getting the feeling he wanted to say something, but didn’t know how. Or perhaps that was just me feeling that way. I could no longer tell.

No wonder then, at the reversed Ace of Swords to mirror all this miscommunication and confusion.

Finally, it seemed to me the only possible answer was to call it a day and I sent him an email saying basically if it was a choice of mates or nothing I’d prefer the nothing.

Jacaranda is for clear-mindedness and decisiveness – an antidote for the state of the reversed Ace of Swords, but it is also the tree Jason fell in love with the first time he came over, so it’s always in my heart linked to him.

How sad then, how heart breaking, to see my cards on their shelf and realise how closely they matched the dreadful circumstances.

And then… and then, he emailed and then he called and gave me the one thing I lacked, the one thing the human heart cannot thrive without. He gave me hope.

I don’t know how long it will take or how exactly it will be achieved, but I do know that the man who always said he wanted to spend his life alone has changed his mind.

He wants to be with me, and that is enough – more than enough. The rest is detail. And he’s looking into the options and coming back to me. We will be together.

Reading Philip and Stephanie Carr-Gomm, who developed the Druidcraft Tarot, I see this morning they have this to say about the reversed Ace of Swords:

“Too much separation (of polarities) creates imbalance and the Sword of the Mind separated from the Chalice of the Heart for too long can cause suffering.

You may have cut yourself off from someone or something with insufficient attention to your emotions, or you may feel cut off in this way by someone else.”

Bingo.

But my solution was to walk away. Thank all that’s holy that Jason’s was to run after me, run after me and give me his heart.

Yippee!

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10 Swords and She Oak

From the Hello Kitty Tarot

From the Hello Kitty Tarot

She OakThe 10s are about completion and, at the same time, about creation. They signify the end of one cycle and the beginning of another.

The 10 Swords in particular carries the pain so often associated with endings. In the middle of an ending it can be impossible to imagine, let alone spot through the gloom, the seeds within it of renewal and rebirth.

And yet… there they are, whether we are aware of them or not.

She Oak is the essence of rebirth. On the physical level it helps to remove the barriers to conception, balancing female – and also male – reproductive hormones and creating the optimum conditions to support new life.

Strange that She Oak and the reversed 10 Swords should turn up straight after Jason’s return to England and my new-found courage to face whatever challenges may lie ahead, with or without him.

What seemed at first a complex, almost impenetrable, combination has clarified over the week into a clear and rather beautiful message.

The upright 10 Swords suggests a state of emotional defeat so bleak as to be unbearable. Well, I’ve certainly had my 10 Swords times in this relationship but this isn’t one of them.

Does the reversed 10 Swords signify the finger-twitch of defiance that says “just give me a minute, I’ll be right.” I like to think so.

If so, She Oak points clearly to the promise of new beginnings inherent even in the 10 Swords.

That got me thinking about that awful moment when my ex-husband John left me, probably because I really did feel then that there was no glimmer of hope.

It’s incredible to look back and realise that within that moment lay the seeds of all I have become. And to then acknowledge that there was good in there, although I surely couldn’t see it at the time.

It’s taken years to get to this point and it’s been a hard slog. Never would I have expected to ever write a paragraph like that last one.

The fact that I can tells me no-one will ever bring me that low again. I have seen those tiny seeds of renewal and I have watched them grow into something wonderful.

So, this week’s (shorter) lesson is: Shit is also Fertiliser. Water it in well with a few tears and your garden will bloom again. Or something like that.

Love and Peace.

Knight of Swords and Jacaranda

From the Robin Wood Tarot

The reversed Knight of Swords waves his weapon around pretty indiscriminately.He needs to step back a bit and use his judgment, slow down and determine just where and when to attack.

Jacaranda types are similarly unfocused, rushing from one project to another, never getting anything actually done and worrying that the choices made are not the right ones.

Am I like that? I certainly fear I am.

So it’s perhaps no great surprise that suddenly I’m writing a job application.

If the rumours I keep hearing are true, there’s no job for me in the Minister’s office after the end of the year. And he and some of his staff can be pretty unpleasant to work for.

No doubt I will agonise in due course over whether I’m making the ‘right’ move – I always do. At the moment, however, it satisfies an urge to keep moving, restores that sense of direction that evaporates after, ooh, about every six months.

I also must record that I am not journeying through this June unscathed.

As the anniversary of my sister Maryanne’s death approaches, I was congratulating myself on finally managing to travel lightly through this difficult month when it hit me full force on Monday.

It’s coming up to nine years since she died so I feel I had a right to expect it to be easier. Maybe next year.

I hope I’m over the worst, but am going easy on myself for what remains. What Mimi wants, Mimi gets in horrible June.

4 Swords and Isopogon

From the Robin Wood Tarot

Another week in which I begin my journal entry with no idea of what I will write. So let’s see what develops –

The 4 Swords reversed signals that a time of withdrawal and inactivity is coming to an end.

And indeed I hope that proves true – a sure sign that it will, I suppose, as that must be in my own hands.

However, I can’t relate it particularly to the week just gone – I didn’t even manage to get to the pool for a swim, which I had been promising myself I would do.

Only one thing occurs to me to mention, and that was a chance meeting on the bus which took place on Friday.

It was on the way in to work and I got into conversation with a lovely young woman who admired my Winnie the Pooh backpack and my Lord of the Rings lunchbox. So there, Kate. How childish is it now?

I can relate Isopogon to this encounter because we exchanged email addresses and she emailed me when she got to work, seeking my assistance with a pop music quiz.

Trivial, yes, but Isopogon relates to retrieving past knowledge so its energy was definitely in play.

Yes, I am lonely. I have to admit it when a casual conversation on a bus is the highlight of my week.

I hope – I know – that I am more self sufficient than ever before but I would like to meet people like that nice young woman more often and enjoy a bit of trivia.

And, not to beat about the bush, if she were to bring along her smart, sexy, issue-free older brother, so much the better.

Oh well, a conversation on the bus is a toe in the water at least.

Bloody hell I need to get out more!

Queen of Swords and Turkey Bush

From the Bohemian Gothic Tarot

How inspiring – a bold queen to say ‘yes I am and yes I can.’ And Turkey Bush for creativity – what a great combo for a girl who’s been hiding herself away all this time and is ready to get her mind moving again.

Nevertheless I stayed very close to home today, pulling weeds in the garden and enjoying warm sunshine and damp, sweet smelling earth. Not immediately obvious as Queen of Swords territory perhaps but one thing I can say about activities like weeding is they get the mind working.

Last time I devoted myself to regular weeding, I wrote a book. How I would love to do something like that again… However, this time it would have to be in the context of something extra, in addition to a full time job that actually provides a bit more than covering the bills (just). But my weeding session got me thinking about the best way to proceed.

Why not a bit of temping while I wait for these job applications to result in something? Why not stop cleaning and start typing, answering phones, whatever’s required – who knows where that might lead? My mind has been fragile since the marriage break-up, since moving the kids to the other side of the world, since all the upheaval of the past few years. And I’ve been careful. I’ve avoided putting myself to the test and tried not to worry about the future.

Today’s weeding and thinking have reminded me that if I get overwhelmed, there’s a very simple grounding exercise which is also very good for the garden. I’ll raise a cup of calming camomile tea to that.

Page of Swords and Gymea Lily

From the Robin Wood Tarot

 After all the clarity of the past few days it was of course inevitable that today I’d be completely and utterly stumped.

Yesterday, when I drew these cards, the best I could manage was that the Page of Swords reversed had lost her way. Instead of fearless honesty and courage, I saw only a quailing coward with no appetite for the challenges of the day ahead. 

And Gymea Lily, well I dunno. It addresses arrogance and excessive pride. It doesn’t seem to go with how I’m feeling or with its Tarot companion.

The best I could manage was yet another bossy reminder that I should have found a job more suited to my talents by now.

Today I left the house without drawing fresh cards but I can’t really see how to apply yesterday’s cards to today’s energies at all.

This is the 28th June, the worst day of the year. This is the day my sister died and the day I cry like a lost child.

Tomorrow will be better.

5 Swords and Bauhinia

From the Robin Wood Tarot

Today was a ‘timeout’ day and boy, did I need it, after all the tough choices and worries of the past week. The 5 Swords is a card of self interest but like all the Swords is a challenging card.

Sometimes, it’s vital to act in your own self-interest regardless of what others may think or demand. But, and it’s a big but, can you do it with honesty and honour intact?

In formulating my response to Alison, the woman who wants me to care for her, the temptation has been ever-present to make up excuses and tell lies, but why?

The truth shames no one, and is no less than any of us deserves.

Bauhinia opens us to change and new concepts, and this position would be full of those. But today, with the 5 Swords, it’s telling me that my quandary lies not in the challenge itself, but in the level of commitment it requires.

I want to work with Alison, I know it would be challenging and difficult, but I also know it would be rewarding. I could be of practical assistance to an incredibly strong woman – and she’s absolutely formidable, she’s had to be – and the experience would fit in very well with my counseling qualification once I graduate.

But when that day came, and it isn’t that far away, would I be able to walk away? In fairness to both of us, I need to be honest now. I can’t make the commitment she needs and I must tell her honestly and fast, because she needs to find someone else.